UnNews:Reports from NASA, Iraq study group, get mixed up
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Reports from NASA, Iraq study group, get mixed up
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, April 30, 2017, 20:49:UTC)(
7 December 2006
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WASHINGTON, DC -- Two key government reports got mixed up today during printing, resulting in much confusion about the situations in Iraq and on Mars. NASA issued new images from an orbiter which suggest that there is water in Iraq, while the Iraq Study Group released guidelines for defeating the Martian insurgency.
The stunning reports had federal lawmakers scrambling to decipher their meaning and formulate appropriate responses. Democrats were quick to now directly compare the Iraq war to Vietnam, with Senator Harry Reid explaining, "See, so Iraq is not a desert after all - NASA found water there, so it's just like Vietnam!" A Pentagon spokesman quickly retorted that Democrats just want to "cut & blast off" from Mars before the aliens are defeated. "Have they not read 'War of the Worlds?', rhetorically asked outgoing Defense Secretary Rumsfeld, "It's better that we fight the Martians over there, so we don't have to face them on our own planet."
The Iraq Study Group presented a set of 79 suggestions for victory on Mars. While no specific timetable was set, it did mention that a permanent Moon base must first be established by the year 2024. This plan eliminates hopes for a quick end to the conflict. However, the finding of water in Iraq might help speed the process. "We can now drill for water, as well as oil," said an anonymous high-placed Halliburton official. Recommendations were also made by the Iraq Study Group for the Bush administration to engage in dialogue with Mars's two neighbouring planets, Jupiter and Earth, even if it meant negotiating with Earth, a rogue planet routinely accused by President Bush of sponsoring the terra-ists in the War on Terra.
President Bush promised to review all the findings in a timely fashion, but was careful not to commit to any recommendations just yet. He is not legally obliged to follow any of them because of a secret clause in the Patriot Act that makes him "The Decider." However, aides said that the President was very eager to immediately begin implementing item #17 - watching the movie "Mars Attacks!" and gleaning useful defensive information from it. A screening of the film, along with the modern version of "War of the Worlds" is scheduled at the White House tonight.
Meanwhile, the President had little to say about the NASA report concerning water in Iraq. "I don't care about useless water," Bush remarked at a meeting with starving children from Darfur, "I want something of value - like more oil. Or at least have NASA find those damned weapons of mass destruction. I know Saddam had them! I know it!" the Commander in Chief yelled angrily. Press Secretary Tony Snow later tried to explain Bush's coarse remarks by saying that "The President was cranky because he didn't get to have his afternoon nap today."
The mix-up of the two reports was due to an error at the government printing office. The chief of the office, former FEMA director Michael Brown, was immediately awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom for the mistake.