UnNews:Reporter Confesses, "I May Have Stretched the Facts"
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Reporter Confesses, "I May Have Stretched the Facts"
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, May 29, 2015, 02:23:UTC)(
15 July 2007
15, July, 2007 Priarston, OHIO- In a shocking press statement, an UnNews reporter admitted to putting falsified information in his contribution to UnNews. UnNews, in the midst of the scandal, fired the contributor, who had sent in a page titled "Drunken Panda Mauls Kid." Apparently, the contributer, a James C. Wisley, had written and sent in a completely false story after consuming numerous beers and getting high. The panda mentioned in the article, Lele, had not been reported either drunken or violent by the Priarston Zoo, and the child in question, a Gary Anderson Young from Priarston, OHIO, also, was neither in the zoo, or for that matter, anywhere near it during the time in which the contributor claimed the mauling took place. "Incredible, this false and completely ludicrous statement has smeared both my reputation and that of the zoo," Lele replied in a press statement, "Mister Wisley, I assure you that pandas are neither drinkers, nor violent."
James C. Wisley has managed not only to anger the zoo, but the entire Uncyclopedia community as well. "I have always depended on UnNews for daily, reliable and truthful coverage of important events, and now this! I just don't know who to trust anymore," stated a clearly confused Uncyclopedia resident.
"You have my assurances that this will not happen again. We will make an example of this dishonorable contributer, and rest assured, we will prosecute him to the full extent of the law. "He will never get a job at a reputable institution again!," said the president of UnCyclopedia who has never revealed his identity because he was ashamed of the whole operation."
Mr. Wisley, you are in some deep doo-doo.
P.S. The article in question "Drunken Panda Mauls Kid," has been removed, burned, burned again, exorcized, trampled on, abused, neglected, and then finally nuked, and therefore, will be posted on the Uncyclopedia site no longer. However, now that the story is known to be false from start to finish, the article will be published in the New York Times where Mr. Wisley has been offered a job as an editor. "We believe Mr. Wisley -- if indeed that is his real name -- we believe Mr. 'Wisley's' credentials, although completely falsified, require he be given something more than just a reporter's job," said Time's Fuhrer, Arthur Ochs Sulzberger, Jr. who has the stupid nickname "Punch." "He'll fit right in!" said Punch.
[Ed's Note: Punch's father has an equally stupid nickname -- "Pinch" -- which just proves if you have enough money and influence, no matter how stupid you are, you can have an unearned position of importance and prestige. America! -- A country where anyone -- truly anyone -- can suceed.]
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|