UnNews:Report: Wolves Make Great Pets
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||A newsstand that's brimming with issues|
3 February 2010
Yosemite National Park, Wyoming -- New research released by the National Park Service suggests that wolves may in fact make good household pets. The study, funded by Congress as part of the last stimulus package, was meant to find new ways to manage and control wolf populations within our nation's National Parks. The research initially focused on introducing more wolves into the parks natural habitats in order to control deer herds, but researchers began to notice the docile nature of the creatures as they studied them in closer proximity. Ranger Daniel Licht, who led the research team, told UnNews, "At first we were concerned with the absence of wolves within the ecosystems of our parks. We began to study them extensively in their natural habitats and we contemplated maybe reintroducing them into the parks. But then we noticed just how cute and cuddly they were up close. The only reasonable conclusion we could make at that point is that they would make wonderful companions for children and the elderly."
The study itself, to be published this week in the February issue of BioScience, will say, "Wolves have also been an integral part... of our ecosystems. After observing them more closely, National Park researchers have found new evidence that wolves can and will certainly make great partners in the future. The scientists concluded that the best way to preserve their luster would be to simply catch them in the wild and give them away as part of a new program aimed to attract new visitors to the parks."
Not everyone is convinced of the report's findings. Dr. John Gristmill, the resident wildlife expert at the NRA, had this to say about the study's conclusions, "This is an absolute disgrace to science. Next I assume the Park Rangers will say that bears are suitable companions, or that fish are friends, not food?" He also added, "The day that a wolf lives in my house is the day that I no longer want my hunting dog."
Congress is expected to hold hearings on the study's finds on the 20th of this month.