|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
20 August 2014
TEL AVIV, Israel -- Today, after several weeks of unnatural calm, violence erupted again in Gaza/West Bank/Jerusalem/an Israeli settlement (pick one), when Israeli soldiers/Palestinian militants (pick one) blew up a bus full of civilians/fired rockets into a daycare center (pick one), causing mass casualties. An undisclosed number of Israeli/Palestinian civilians (pick one) were instantly vaporized, while about twice that number survived their wounds long enough to wail threats of revenge for the converging international television crews.
At a press conference, Palestinian spokesman Insert Name Here spoke defiantly to reporters. "Blah blah blah never surrender blah blah blah fight to the death blah blah rockets blah blah bullets blah blah bombs." He then spat on an Israeli flag in a perfunctory manner, and ducked bullets fired by Hamas militants, who were angered by his recent talk of minor concessions to Israeli demands.
Israeli Prime Minister Insert Name Here glowered at reporters, saying, "Blah blah blah never surrender blah blah blah fight to the death blah blah bombs blah blah tanks blah blah bullets." With an evil gleam in his eye, he went on to announce sweeping sanctions to be instituted in the Gaza Strip/West Bank (pick one), and then ducked bricks thrown by members of the Knesset, who were angered by his recent talk of minor concessions to Palestinian demands.
Representatives for several Europeans countries offered their condolences to the families of the dead and wounded in a strained monotone, while staring distractedly at their fingernails. U.S. President Insert Name Here appeared to be stifling a yawn during his noon press conference. "Blah blah shocked and saddened blah blah strongly condemn blah blah cowardly attack." The President expressed hope that this round of peace talks could be salvaged, but was not optimistic — both the Israelis and Palestinians tore up and then spat on the shreds of the current peace proposal, in simultaneous televised events, this morning.
Gazans were outraged by the day's affair, shouting in Arabic and broken English, while firing Kalashnikov rifles into the air. "Blah blah martyrs blah blah vengeance blah blah Allahu-akbar! [tat-ta-tat-tat-ta-tat-ta-tat-blat!!!!!]" Israeli settlers, meanwhile, twirled their sidelocks angrily and loaded their UZI carbines. "Blah blah eye for an eye blah blah tooth for a tooth blah blah Shma-Yisrael-Adonay-Elohenu-Adonay-ehad! [click, click, click!]"
At the Gaza border, Palestinian youths and Israeli soldiers shrugged off today's bloodshed to take part in the annual Rock-and-Tear-Gas Harvest Festival. "So, some people blew up," said a youth, hurling a stone towards the Israelis, who cheerfully returned fire with rubber bullets. "What are we going to do, stay home? Hit the mall and watch a movie?" A border guard commented, "They look so silly throwing those rocks that we almost feel bad for firing tear gas at them. But, hey, it's tradition, and the news cameramen expect it, anyway. Whaddya gonna do."
Several Arab Christians shopping at a nearby market were pragmatic about the violence. "The bullets fly over, my family and I duck, we check each other for holes, and if we don't find any new ones, we go about our shopping," said one. "Personally, I wouldn't care if the Jews and the Arabs just killed each other off, if it meant I could get my hands on a ham once in a while. Do you realize how hard it is to find a decent picnic ham in this place? Shit, I fucking love ham, but it's easier to find one on the Israeli side! Ham is delicious! Seriously, how fucked up you got to be, to swear it off forever?"
Retaliation in the works
Experts believe Israeli soldiers are likely plotting something dastardly involving white phosphorus, somewhere in the Golan Heights, while in Rafah, a Hamas member was seen buckling a "special jacket" onto a mentally-challenged teenager, using flash cards adorned with divine virgins to help him memorize the exact route and schedule of a train "to go BOOM! inside of." According to meteorologists in Jerusalem, tomorrow's weather forecast is "sun partially obscured by smoke, with a chance of twisted burning rubble."
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|