This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.
25 January 2008
Newcastle, England: Numerous reports are been issued from the Tyne and Wear area of renewed fighting in Gazza Strips. Gangs of Newcastle United Football Club supporters for whom Gazza, born Paul John Gascoigne in Dunston, England, played until the end of the 1988 season have engaged in long running street fights with Middlesborough supporters in their traditional red kit, also emblazoned with Gazza's moniker from his signing with their club in 1998.
The Newcastle supporters, in their instantly recognisable black and white striped garb, refer to themselves as the Toon Army, in a veiled reference to their football club been a bit "Mickey Mouse". Their ongoing conflict with the local Sunderland tribe appears to have spilt over into other areas of the North East, where they have invaded part of the Middlesborough tribes homeland. Many experts consider the recent expansion to be due to the return of their lost monarch, King Kev.
"Sam", a homely tourist within the troubled area, who wishes to remain anonymous spoke with our War Correspondant. In his statement he said "Those people are fookin' animals." He went on, "I was on a humanitarian mission, but I was attacked by them on a weekly basis, sometimes even more frequently that that. My nerves are shot to hell."
His story is echoed by many in recent years.
"It all just kicked off at around three in the afternoon, usually at the weekend," said genteel Scotsman "Graeme", "Sometimes bottles of Nukey Brown were just raining down. I canna understand their attitude, I mean I have a heart condition you know!"
Local octogenarian Bobby "Sir" Robson bemoaned the state of the affairs. "This was a lovely area when I wuz a nipper. When there was trouble you could give these big lugs a clip 'round the ear. Now they are all full of themselves, and its all 'fook off, Grandad'. I fought in the war for this...."