UnNews:Remembrance day remembered
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Remembrance day remembered
Straight talk, from straight faces
Thursday, December 8, 2016, 22:15:UTC)(
12 November 2012
LONDON, United Kingdom -- In 1918, on the eleventh of November, at 12 minutes past 11 o'clock,  the leaders of the major belligerents in the largest-scale war the world had ever seen came together to declare peace. Yesterday, 94 years later, people from all over the Commonwealth remembered they had forgotten Remembrance Sunday.
"Oh fuck! Was it yesterday? It completely slipped my mind," said James Matheson, from Birmingham. "The thing is, I went out on Saturday night, I was proper hungover on Sunday morning, I just put some Snow Patrol on and monged out till lunchtime. Shit, I even had a poppy from work."
Thomas Grays, from Sydney remembered the fallen, but only after some prompting: "The fallen what? What war was that? The one with Hitler? Oh right, no I remember now, the one where Blackadder dies at the end." He then engaged in what appeared to be a minute's silence, but perhaps more for bewilderment than out of a sign of respect.
The general ignorance surrounding Remembrance Day among the populace was not reflected by Britain's major politicians, who competed shamefully to look the most remembrantic. Prime Minister David Cameron wore a plastic poppy so large he had to be held up by number two Nick Clegg and two burly bodyguards, like a modern day FDR but without the polio and socialist leanings. Leader of the opposition, David Milliband, meanwhile, covered his admittedly horrific bulging eyes with a pair of poppy-styled sunglasses. Nick Griffin, leader of the extremist BNP party, not to be outdone, covered his entire body in real poppies, and walked around Whitehall like an effete version of Swamp Thing, shouting things about the Bosch.
Meanwhile, across the Atlantic in Canada, the front pages of the newspapers showed the nation had completely forgotten about Remembrance Sunday. The main story in the Toronto Star was dedicated to controversial comments made by Maple Leafs star Dion Phaneuf, who told shocked Canuck reporters: "For me, the best thing about hockey is the moment when you take your skates off! Man, that feeling of, like, ripping the skate off and then flexing your toes, and walking around the changing room is so nice! And then there's that weird feeling of putting your lovely running shoes on your sweaty feet, or sometimes I remember to bring fresh socks, and I love that sensation of sliding my feet into the shoe, and then for like the first half hour, you're walking around all funny because you have been skating and walking feels different!"
Queen Elizabeth II, whose mother fought in WWI as a sniper, was said to be "Off her nut," with rage. "The remembrance movement is in desperate condition." a source at Buckingham Palace whispered into our ear, "Our only hope is that the Americans will weigh in with a token late contribution, perhaps sometime around the end of May."
- ↑ The idea was to sign it at 11:11 on 11/11 but Woodrow Wilson dropped his pen and delayed the signing by a fateful minute, leading to his defeat in subsequent presidential elections, irreparably damaging the League of Nations.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|