Release of new Elder Scrolls game results in mass existential crisis
Straight talk, from straight faces
Wednesday, March 20, 2019, 21:58:UTC)(
14 November 2011
SOMEWHERE, America -- The release of Bethesda's eagerly anticipated new Elder Scrolls game has resulted in a national crisis, say the nation's psychologists. As the sequel to the wildly popular role playing game, "Oblivion", "Skyrim" offers players an astounding 3 decades of gameplay and has won praise for its depth and realism. However, the game's stunning design has shattered the barrier between fantasy and reality for thousands of hapless gamers.
Skyrim, a marvel of modern gaming, allows players to explore a wartorn Scandinavian-themed world, fought over by the rebel Stormcloaks and the totalitarian Empire. The game is so immersive, many players have ceased to interact with friends and family and simply play Skyrim for days on end. "He just won't pay attention to me anymore," said Betty Ostrich, a disgruntled wife of a Skyrim player. "I've tried everything. I even tried baking him his favorite type of pie, but he just waved me off and told me he already has three pies in his 'inventory'. I don't even know what that means."
As gamers are forced to withdraw from their XBoxes by concerned friends and family members, many have proved unable to readjust to the physical world. Some still believe they are in Skyrim, while others believe they've simply been transported to a realm of Oblivion. Due to their intense psychological trauma, enrollment in psych wards has spiked by an amazing 978% over the past week. "These people cannot cope with the reality that a world exists apart from the continent of Tamriel," said psychiatrist Susan Biscuit. "Many of our cases have forgotten their original names and refer to themselves by titles such as "Thurgalfor, the Nefarious" or "Salian, Scourge of High Rock".
The release of Skyrim has also coincided with a significant spike in the rate of violent crime. In Portland, Oregon yesterday, several confused Skyrim players converged on a LARPing convention and proceeded to slaughter dozens of defenseless, awkward role players. The LARPers styrofoam weapons and cardboard armor were no match for Nord broadswords and Wood Elf bows and arrows. When interviewed after the crime, the Skyrim players said they mistook the LARPers for servants of the dragon god Alduin. Also, one eyewitness account describes one of the Skyrim players casting energy bolts from their fingers. This has prompted concerns that Skyrim somehow gives players the ability to channel magic in real life.
Even more concerning, a delusional Skyrim fan attempted to assassinate President Barack Obama this morning. After being subdued and brought into custody by Secret Service members, he informed authorities that he was a Breton warrior and that he was enraged that the nation had elected a "Redguard monarch". Much to the nation's surprise, President Obama, himself a rabid Elder Scrolls fan, issued an executive order demanding the man's decapitation. In a totally badass public execution that took place at the Washington Monument, a hooded John Boehner chopped off the offending Breton's head. It is currently displayed prominently on a pike in the Oval Office. At a later press conference, Obama simply proclaimed, "For Hammerfell!" Scholars agree that this rash act by the president has set back Breton-Redguard race relations by at least several decades.
As the nation dissolves into chaos, Bethesda executives have yet to comment on the hellish situation their game has unleashed. This, however, is most likely because they are too distracted by the outrageous amounts of money they have received from purchases of Skyrim. We will continue posting updates as this story unfolds.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|