UnNews:Reincarnation might be misleading
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Reincarnation might be misleading
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, January 24, 2017, 11:21:UTC)(
16 July 2006
Cheyenne Mountain - The new Instant Action Reincarnation Pill, in development by Starbucks, might not be all it's cut out to be. According to the box, the nicknamed "Death Control Pill" begins working seconds after the soul has left the body, and in less than a minute, the user is born as a new being. The pill stays in the body for 24 hours before it wears off, motivating the patron to take one every morning just in case they are killed later that day. Unfortunately, in the early stages of development, the pill is currently only bringing people back as tapeworms or Clorox Ready Wipes.
Development of the pill has been temporarily delayed as over 200,000 of the beta testers called in over the week to file their complaints. John Madden, a consultant for Starbucks, had to deal with most of these calls. "You see," he tells me, "it's not all about the customer. If he makes it to the endzone, that's great, but in reality, customers never have enough speed to make it much past the 20. I once had the chance to ride a bull down a one-mile landing strip with a plane scheduled to land in minutes, and did you see me complaining? No, I toughed it out like a man and cut the bull open to keep warm in it's inards. Of course, (chuckles) not everyone can sing a 7 man acapella by himself." At this point, Madden began to hum a familiar tune while his 6 folds of fat began to sing the different harmonies to The Legend of Zelda.
Daniel Jackson, an early user of the pill, was enraged on Friday morning after being killed in a plane crash, only to wake up several minutes later as a tapeworm. "I'm suing." he told a crowd of worried citizens "I bet this is the first time they have been sued by a tapeworm. Probably not the last either!" Behind him stood an agreeing crowd of about 40 tapeworms and maybe half as many Clorox Ready Wipes. Daniel Jackson, of course, has the natural ability to ascend and come back to life, so his motives for joining the beta test program are still unclear.
In a surprising turn of events, God came down from his mountain complex to speak to the press over this issue. "It is highly unnatural," he vibrated "it goes against not only the laws of physics, but also the laws that I wrote. Some people might say 'oh, what's the big deal?', well the big deal is that if you die, you have to go through a bunch of mandatory tests and sign some paperwork in purgatory before entering heaven or hell, and it is there that I decide who gets to be reincarnated. If you don't get chosen, tought luck, you will have to wait it out till the next chosing. Some might say that is harsh, but then again, I'm God. I can do whatever I want!" He reinforces this statement by pointing his finger at a vase and turning it into a scared and frightened Hitler. "My point is, this pill is unfair to those people who die normally. If they see you all hoping around down there like jackrabbits and giddyweeds because you took the pill, they will become jealous and overthrow my ingenious monarchy." It is undetermined whether or not God has anything to do with the faulty reincarnations.
However, several organizations such as The Ori and I'm So Pissed At You Guys, Sincerly God (ISPAYGSG) are fighting back with harsh words, protests, and violence. Several members of The Ori broke into a manufacturing plant last week and planted posters around the cubicles that read "Hallowed are the Ori." In the same weekend, God also blew up a city that housed one of these plants, killing thousands if not millions. Commercials for the new gamma version of the pill began airing on late night television and eventually made it to prime time over the month. In an attempt to attract children and create a more kid friendly pill, Starbucks began packaging special colorful happy face pills in Kids Meals at McDonalds and street corners.
While this pill seems to be on the front page of every tabloid and homeless persons house, politicians like Hillary Clinton are showing no approval or disapproval towards it. In fact, Hillary Clinton goes so far as to whine: "I don't see what the big fuss is. So what, it's a pill that brings people back to life. The real problem in America is the growing number of violent video games. In 2006 alone, 25 sequels were announced for Grand Theft Auto, the game that alone caused September 11th. Me and Jack Thompson drove down last week and fired several grenades into their office as a warning, but they still didn't stop. Tommorow, we are going to kill their families."