UnNews:Regegade rabbi recites kaddish with only nine Jews present; universe thrown into chaos
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Regegade rabbi recites kaddish with only nine Jews present; universe thrown into chaos
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, May 24, 2015, 05:48 (UTC)
12 April 2008
New York City The universe was severely disrupted today due to the divine temper tantrum of the Jewish God, triggered by a rabbi deciding to recite the Jewish prayer "Kaddish," the central theme of which is the magnification and sanctification of God's name, with only nine Jews present. It turns out to be against Jewish law to recite this prayer with fewer than ten Jews present.
"Obstinate Jews!" he bellowed with a voice that shattered every window in Manhattan, "For far too long you have ignored my holy statutes. I am the Lord thy God! Rabbi Frankelberg's insistence upon reciting the Kaddish prayer without the required ten Jews has incited my holy wrath. Oh sure, you had nine Jews. The fucking book says ten you morons!"
God went on to say he regretted making that promise about not flooding everything again since "I really fucking feel like doing that right now," but he would instead plague the world with endless war, rising costs of fuel and food, a stagnant economy that would impoverish the minority of the well-to-do inhabitants of the world, and a steadily degrading environment.
"Hear me O my ungrateful creation that is man, for this is a curse upon you" shouted the Lord. "You have been stiff-necked and failed to heed your Lord. I am the Lord thy God. For your obstinance, I will turn you against yourselves, brother against brother, husband against wife, nation against nation, until you are all destroyed. I will lay low your holy places and replace your beloved things with things that are hideous to you. I will refuse to hear any of your prayers which are now loathsome to me. You will have to toil more and more for less and less and you will be unable to afford the lifestyle known to your fathers, who pleased me while you do not. And I will take no action to save you from your self made destruction of the world I have given you. I am the Lord thy God. Owned losers. Get fucked. And if you want to blame someone for this, blame the Jews, they caused it by doing fucking Kaddish with only nine people. Don't worry about hating them. I hate them too. I've been an anti-semite ever since that golden calf incident honestly. Don't ask."
The Lord will be in Times Square for the next two weeks and is available for parties, autographs and photographs.
- Heinrich Stadt "Oh shit we're all fucked and its the Jews' fault again". American Mercury, April 12, 2008