This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.
5 December 2011
EDINBURGH, Scotland -- After months of excitement Edinburgh Zoo finally took delivery of two exciting new additions to its collection. The two Giant Pandas, Tian Tian and Yang Guang, (Sweetie and Sunshine) are said to be jet-lagged but settling-in well to their new home.
Following an eleven hour flight and a frenetic press-conference, Sweetie expressed himself “Glad to be able to escape the narrow-minded persecution of home” and said that both he and his partner, Sunshine, were delighted that Edinburgh Zoo had offered them asylum.
“China has come a long way in a few years,” he added. “But levels of homophobia are still high. And it’s still difficult to be an out gay Panda in Szechuan. People just stare and point at you like you’re some kind of exhibit or something.”
Reaction across Scotland has been mixed with many pointing to the hoped for influx of visitors the new attraction will bring. The Scottish First Minister, Alec Salmond has admitted that tourist numbers had dropped off since the release into the wild of the previous star-turn, Lockerbie-bomber Abdelbaset Ali al-Megrahi - Big Al to millions of visitors. He expressed his hope that “Sweetie and Sunshine will turn things round for us. Scots have a proud history of tolerance of faggotry. Don’t forget that we introduced cross-dressing to the world.”
Not everybody is so pleased by the new arrivals, however. Spokesman for the British National Party, Barry Goebbels, claimed that:
“Scotland has enough of an obesity problem without importing lardy-arsed pansies to come over here and live rent-free at the tax-payers’ expense. Mark my words; they’ll be claiming Invalidity Benefit by Christmas. And will they work? Will they contribute to society? Not a chance, but at the first sign of an in-growing toe-nail, they’ll push their way to the top of the NHS waiting-lists for an operation. It makes you sick. It’s about time we sent these useless shirt-lifting vegetarians back to Brussels or whatever hell-hole they come from.”
TV legend Sir David Attenborough added his voice to the argument, explaining that “The level of biological-illiteracy is frightening. How are these two poor creatures meant to survive on a diet of deep-fried bamboo? And, quite honestly, the Scottish Government’s hope of beginning a breeding-programme is fatally flawed. These are gay Pandas, they’ll have to adopt!”
Meanwhile a spokesman for the charity Dr Barnado’s affirmed that it would not be able to sanction adoption from one of its orphanages. “We have a strict policy of placing babies with prospective parents of a similar cultural and ethnic background. Quite honestly, I can’t see how we could put an Afro-Caribbean baby or a Caucasian baby with Pandas who clearly can’t make up their minds whether they want to be black or white.”
Sunshine, however, has maintained a serene air since first moving-in to his new home, a council house in Niddrie.
“The neighbours have been lovely. The man next-door keeps throwing suggestively carved food over the fence. I’m not sure what he thinks we’re going to do with all those phallic bamboo-shoots, maybe he hasn’t heard how under-sexed we are as a species! Still, every time I put one in my mouth and chew on it I can hear him shouting at his wife to get the video-camera so they can get £250 sending the film to “You’ve Been Framed”.”