|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
28 December 2012
Karenga County, Alabama -- Local trailer park redneck Billy Todd Joe says that he's up in arms, literally, about the current resurrected debate over gun control. "I don't know much about the Constitution or the Bill a' Rights," said the redneck with a mere 5th grade education, "but I do know it says I got the right to bear arms. It's right there in the Second Amendment. All the other rights I could give a shit about. But if we don't got the right to protect ourselves from a fascist government, the other ones won't matter. If we ain't allowed guns, we ain't a free people. Period."
Billy Todd Joe then took this opportunity to apply this interpretation of the Constitution to Kwanzaa, the week-long African-American holiday currently happening right now. "I'm not comfortable 'round negroes, but I do kinda like Black Christmas. I like them second and seventh principles," he said, referring to the Nguzo Saba. "You got there Koo-jee-cha-goo-lia, which means 'self-determination'. That's a good value there. Rugged individualism; pullin' yourself up by your own bootstraps. Discouragin' welfare. That kinda crap. Then there's Imani, which means faith. Another good'un, 'cause really, if you don't got faith in God, what do you got? Those'er some nice principles. The rest are just socialist bullshit I want no part of."
Billy Todd Joe remarked that he'd be willing to take down his Confederate flag and replace it with the Pan-African flag for one week every year if African-Americans would be willing to drop the socialist principles, emphasize the good ones and make Barack Obama respect his right to collect semi-automatic weapons.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|