UnNews:Recruiters frustrated they can't hire Cheney, Rumsfeld
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||A newsstand that's brimming with issues|
2 November 2006
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
WASHINGTON, DC -- Corporate recruiters nationwide remain sorely frustrated about being unable to hire Vice President Dick Cheney and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. The two executive officials have just been put on tenure by President Bush, who guaranteed them two more years of employment with spectacular benefits.
Although the monetary compensation the two men receive is relatively small compared to jobs in the corporate world, the fringe benefits are what make the positions really valuable. The Vice Presidential post for instance is exempt from gun and murder related laws, allowing Mr. Cheney to freely go out with his rifle and hunt the most dangerous game of all: man.
John M. Keenan of OSI Recruiting woefully described his attempts to lure Donald Rumsfeld, "We have literally hundreds of companies vying for him, offering millions of dollars, but the Secretary staunchly refuses to leave his current post." The brilliant tactician is sought for his immense organizing and planning skills, which are so widely praised by the White House. So far, however, no company has been able to offer Mr. Rumsfeld's favorite perk: the power to send wave after wave of troops into oil-possessing Middle Eastern countries.
Dealing with Mr. Cheney proved equally frustrating for Mr. Keenan, who bitterly recalled one recruiting phone call to the Vice President, "Halliburton had a very unique offer for him, promising to reinstate him as CEO, with double the pay. But Cheney simply said he was 'busy water dunking a terrorist' and hung up on me!" The recruiter added that follow-up e-mails, both to his work and personal Yahoo addresses, proved equally fruitless.
All of corporate America is disappointed in the Bush administration's recent trend of holding onto its top talent and leaving slim pickings for others. The previous year was much better for recruiters, as the White House released CIA director George Tenet - known for masterminding the perfect pre-war Iraq intelligence gathering effort. That year also saw FEMA director Michael Brown - widely regarded as the brightest genius of our times - go on the job market. "Letting Brownie go was definitely this President's biggest mistake," commented political expert Rush Limbaugh, adding, "He should have been promoted to Secretary of State after his masterful handling of the Katrina crisis."
Bush, however, is adamant about avoiding the same mistake and thus vowed to keep Cheney and Rumsfeld on board no matter what the cost. "The lesson of 9/11 is that we must make sacrifices and do whatever it takes to keep Republicans in power," explained the Commander in Chief in a passionate campaign speech.