UnNews:Recovering New Orleans attempts to host Super Bowl
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Recovering New Orleans attempts to host Super Bowl
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, July 28, 2015, 15:37:UTC)(
30 January 2013
New Orleans, Louisiana - Hurricane Katrina took a swipe out of New Orleans' hide in 2005, but you can't keep a good man down. The city has almost risen from the ashbin of history to host this year's Super Bowl between the San Francisco 49ers and Baltimore Ravens.
"I'm the best receiver of all-time, and I'm going to party like it's 1999," rhymed 49er receiver Randy Moss, who plans to catch at least three passes on Sunday to add to his total of fifteen for the past two years, "We gotta live it up, it's New Orleans, man!"
The bodies of residents still hang in trees in the 9th ward, swaying in the cool breezes of the Gulf. The recovery effort has picked up in anticipation of the Super Bowl as the draining of the high swamps around the New Orleans Superdome is well underway. Rescue teams are in full swing as thousands of people are still missing and presumed submerged. Hindered only by alligators and mark-of-the-beast type creatures spawned in the wake of the Katrina disaster, rescuers report that people who've been trapped in their attics for over seven years are catching Super Bowl Fever!
"While it is true that New Orleans' neighborhoods look like a tornado hit every few feet," said Mayor Mitch Landrieu, the only person who applied for the job, "municipal crews are earnestly shuffling the debris 'down the block', as we locals like to call it. A slow federal response over two presidential administrations has not aided the recovery, but hinders it at every turn."
"We try to get the fallen power lines under control and pick up some of the corpses before the dogs find them," said Sanitation Chief Woeizme Oppenhemier, "but every time you finally recognize where a house once stood or your neighbor's skull, some lackey from FEMA comes over to 'give aid', which means a pat on the back and a bulldozer pushing everything back to where it came from."
The dwindling survivors have organized into neighborhood improvement associations in anticipation of a visit by Randy Moss, the self-styled 'best receiver in football history'. "Randy will save us," said Hildy Gable, an elderly dementia patient whose nursing home is covered with mold spores, rat and raccoon nests, and staffed by a local team of voodoo practicioners. "I've received four imaginary tickets to the Super Bowl, but I'm afraid to go because there will be Ravens and soul-collectors there."
So as New Orleans prepares to once again take its proud place in international consciousness while the scent of decomposing flesh has temporarily receded, drunks, hoboes, drifters and revelers prepare to play their part in a festive weekend of booze, broads, and boys reaching in-between each other's legs trying to grab a ball. The oddsmakers say that because of Randy Moss the 49ers are odds on favorites to smash the Ravens into the ground, not unlike the recent history of New Orleans, a proud below sea-level city that never, ever, sleeps.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|