Record percentage of children to dress up as mortgage foreclosure bankers this Halloween
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, March 19, 2019, 18:42:UTC)(
29 October 2007
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
Problems playing this file? You might be a dope.
America, USA -- A "what did YOU dress up as for Halloween" survey conducted last week by a reliable source has yielded shocking results: 8 out of every ten small children dressed up as home mortgage bankers this year.
Signs of a shift in what it is that scares Americans grew more and more apparent in the weeks leading up to Halloween. The first signs of change occurred earlier this month when a record number of Jack-O-Lanterns carved in the shape of annual mortgage payments began showing up (as well as an increase in hand injuries due to attempts to carve such a detailed set of paperwork into a pumpkin).
Perhaps even more glaringly obvious were this year's annual horror films, including Saw IV, which debuted yesterday, and featured a horrifying scene in which one of the film's several dozen main characters was forced to either saw the top of his own head off in order to reach a few thousand dollars that had been hidden inside his skull, or face a foreclosure on the mortgage on his house. This came only days after the release of the new blockbuster horror film, Freddy vs. The Adjustable Rate Loan.
But it was not until this survey that the extent of American terror over the crumbling housing market was fully revealed. Many children have began dismissing vampires, aliens, and werewolves as unrealistic and not in the least bit frightening. These children have caught on to what it is their parents have been on the verge of hysteria about for months now: the American housing market.
As a result of this change in demand, halloween-themed stores rapidly changed the products that they supplied in the weeks proceeding the celebration. They threw out their vampire costumes, mummy costumes, pirate costumes, and various pieces of plastic weaponry in exchange for gray suits, bowties, and clipboards.
Rather than saying "trick-or-treat", most children said something more along the lines of "Please sign here, ma'am. No ma'am, I don't have any sympathy, I'm a banker. They surgically removed it. Sign here." This change in costume from last halloween caused mass panic among some parents, but also expected had some unexpected benefits. "We were hoping to make our kid's costume as realistic as possible, so that someone might actually give him their house. Hell, this year, little Jimmy came home after a night of trick-or-treating with a bag full of houses!" says one parent.
The other 20% of children said they would be going as college loan officers, who instill an equal amount of fear in the United States population. President Bush, who owns 5 houses (none of which have a mortgage), has not yet commented on this phenomenon, though he has said that he sent his children out dressed as Democrats. "We've got the fangs all made all...uh...yeah!" said the proud father, tears of pride streaming down his face.
After scrutiny, it turned out that 9 out of 10 small children dressed up as home mortgage bankers were in fact not small children but mortgage bankers dressed up as small children to collect candy for resale at an elevated profit to make up for sub-prime market meltdown losses.
- Someone "Mortgage foreclosures hitting Connecticut cities hard". The Boston Globe, October 28, 2007