UnNews:Record jackpot expected for Nobel Peace Prize
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Record jackpot expected for Nobel Peace Prize
Straight talk, from straight faces
Thursday, April 28, 2016, 15:58:UTC)(
9 October 2007
STOCKHOLM, Sweden -- (and yes, OSLO, Norway) -- It's Nobel Prize week again and for interested members of the public there may be one or two surprises. On Monday, a bunch of mad scientists were awarded the Nobel Prize for medicine, mistreatment of animals, doping, and juggling mouse genes until the mice hit back, earning them the name knockout mice.
On Tuesday, a Frenchman and a German both received the Nobel Prize for physics, entertainment, and bootlegging for their unique ability to make space available on a hard disk using only a strong magnet. -- Breaking News: On Wednesday, William Mosley of Lawrenceville, Ga and BFF of George W. Bush, won the Nobel prize for Psychological Chemistry for his work on the study of the McTurd theory. The McTurd theory states that simply passing by a McDonald's and smelling that shaped cattle dung that they pass for 100% pure beef, will give you a man sized log of poo. You will instantly feel the need to rid yourself of the McTurd as soon as you feel it's girth slowly forcing the rectal wall appart, so the theory goes. Mosley won the Nobel prize which consist of two Pizza hut coupons, a Best of Barry Manilow CD and a bronzed McTurd.
As always the most contested of all the prizes is the Nobel Prize for Peace. This year the list of candidates is so long that the awarding committee are considering skipping the prize altogether to avoid disappointing anyone. This would send the winning prize into the jackpot league and create a record prize amount for next year. Hopefully this would also give all peace promoters another strong incentive to redouble their efforts in the twelve months to come.
Mr Nobel is planning to hand over future operation of the prize draws to Camelot. There will be a new Thunderball prize, which could be dynamite. Camelot intends to keep half of all prize money.
Earlier today UnNews compiled a list of potential peace prize winners for this year by eavesdropping on the committee members. Here's the exclusive wannabe roster:
- At the top of the list of candidates, as always, we find George W Bush. "Bush had contributed significantly to worldwide peace efforts," stated the nomination, "most notably by his decision to start two wars that everyone else's trying to stop." Bush has been on the waiting list for so long now that this year might be his last chance to receive the prize as an active President. If Bush misses out again he might have to settle for the Nobel Prize for Literature some time in the future for his memoirs and a collection of his most spectacular speeches.
- In hot pursuit of Bush, we find another hot aspirant, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. He first mooted the stunning "Blame it all on Israel" formula for world peace and also made great efforts to edit history in order to create a peace-sponsoring atmosphere. However, rumour has it that he might have to share the prize with either Hezbollah, the Taliban, Hamas, or a combination of the three. Not that Ahmadinejad really needs the cash, since he managed to send oil prices skyrocketing by constantly hinting he might have nukes. This trick refloated the whole Iranian economy and might earn him the Nobel Prize for Economics as well.
- Next, the state of Israel is a promising candidate. Israel has proven both in theory and practice that a state of occupation can be permanent, thereby discouraging any sort of uprising and unrest worldwide. What's more, by erecting a wall between people, Israel has rekindled fond memories of past times in many people's memory; this might also one day be recognized by UNESCO and make Israel's wall a world cultural heritage site.
- Kim Il-sung of North Korea is at first glance a less obvious candidate after he painted flowers on his nuclear missiles. However, he has already received some sacks of rice for this action and some Nobel Prize committee members argue that no good deed must be rewarded twice.
- In the last few years, many non-government organizations have been Nobel Prize candidates. This year the hottest one is probably Blackwater, a worldwide network of peace promoters. Blackwater act as arbitrators in many of the darkest, most forlorn places in the world where they collect young people from the street and give them jobs. Since the youngsters have fantastic glossy presentations and cool promotion videos, they might just have the edge with the Nobel Prize jury.
- Finallly, the government of Myanmar has caught up mightily in the last few weeks with their operation to maintain peace among rioting Buddhist monks. Even so the Asian country's efforts are probably too late for this year's Nobel Prize. If they keep going, they might be early birds for next year.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|