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Record "Terrorist Tuesday" seen

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30 November 2015

Isis shop

Terrorist Tuesday sees local Jihadis slashing prices rather than communities.

MADISON AVENUE, New York City -- The healthy start of the Christmas shopping season is encouraging analysts that 2016 might finally see a Summer of Recovery.

The good news could offset the new health care law, which continues to prompt American companies to downsize to 49½ or fewer employees each working 29½ or fewer hours. Shoppers can use the Self-checkout lanes, under the mindful eye of a single Robocop per store, and a telephone at each cash register lets shoppers call Pakistan for an actual human voice to ask them how they are today, in a tone that suggests he couldn't care less.

Converting Thanksgiving to a big new retailing day produced encouraging sales. Likewise Black Friday, the traditional day to mob the stores, have tug-of-wars with Spandex, and steal flat-screen televisions; Small Business Saturday, when shoppers are encouraged to patronize small stores on Main Street and give Walmart a chance to replace its plate glass; and also Women and Minority-Owned Sunday, in which gift-buyers are supposed to visit stores owned by those so victimized by centuries of class hatred that they have learned it is pointless to stock the goods people want to buy. "Haters gonna hate," said Duwan, a retailer in St. Clairsville, Ohio when this reporter asked whether a popular style of dress shoe came in Size 10.

Cyber Monday hit sales records, as Americans returned to the workplace after the long weekend, but instead of work, spent the day surfing the web on the boss's powerful workstations, which are the only ones that can visit walmart.com without its glitzy JavaScript timing-out. The most resourceful put the purchases on the boss's credit card as well.

Next comes Terrorist Tuesday, an innovation of marketeers here. Following the President's lead, Americans are to spend the day seeking out and patronizing stores owned by practitioners of jihad. Opening our wallets and showing the jihadis how nice we are will make them forego any conversions-by-the-sword, and justify the plan to admit 10,000 new ones into the country on Refugee Visas, as bearded, twenty-something "women and orphans" continue to swarm in from Syria and its unsettling total lack of fake holidays.

The week of ritual shopping with daily themes is still not as complete as either Hanukkah or Kwanzaa, but Madison Avenue's finest pitch-men are working overtime on it and expect to devise a theme for Wednesday shopping before Wednesday arrives. Meanwhile, Hallmark Cards is designing greeting cards for each day that can be sent to everyone on the list.

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