UnNews:Recent theory proves Atheists don't exist
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Recent theory proves Atheists don't exist
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, February 12, 2016, 17:09:UTC)(
11 July 2008
WARSAW, POLAND - Ever since mankind came into existence, Atheists have been a part of every community, teaching the joys and wisdom of not having a god. For some, it has been a blessing, and for some others, it has been a curse. It is estimated that there will be 1,000 new Atheists born today, and about 3 will be converted. Or will they?
Doctor Wojdernik thinks otherwise. An investigation was carried out, attempting to seek levels of natural hallucinogens lingering in the brain. Now, these results, when directly sent to a computer, render false values due to the hallucinogens masking the actual printed value. Wojdernik did not notice this until he tried to do a digitally spoken readout, which then exposed the true value as the natural hallucinogens were unable to mask both signals at the same time. The value he noticed, as well as himself, was suprisingly high.
Wojdernik then attempted to connect a distance measurer to his computer and to perform an audio read-out. All results were as expected until a door-to-door Atheist was found to be absurdly far away. He then reconsidered the figure and noticed that, at such a distance, the measuring beam must not be picking up the atheist, concluding that the particular atheist can not possibly exist. Tests on various other non-Atheist people, including Wojdernik himself, work as expected.
This new discovery is extremely difficult to explain. The simplest explanation would be that the hallucinogens were making Wojdernik believe that Atheists did not exist; however, not only was this not the point, as his original theory was accurate, but when an Atheist tried measuring their own results, the distance measurer appeared to instantly fall to the floor.
What makes this really, really weird is how several people seem to see the Atheists in the same position. An Atheist, if they do exist, would not have a clue. However, Wojdernik believes that there could be a common thought-field, which would explain another theory of why some people can read your thoughts, and also why you are moving your hand away from the front of your pants.
Wojdernik's findings will be tested before a council of people; however, votes from people who do not exist will not be counted.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|