UnNews:Rebels Reject Darfur Peace Deal; Sudanese Empire Threatens With Death Starve
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Rebels Reject Darfur Peace Deal; Sudanese Empire Threatens With Death Starve
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, May 26, 2015, 01:48 (UTC)
1 May 2006
(UN outpost, Planet Darfur) Rebel leaders today rejected a draft peace deal with the Sudanese Empire, saying they won't settle for anything short of complete imperial withdrawal from their planet. United Nations mediators have been fruitlessly trying for weeks to resolve the conflict, which has already killed thousands. Exhausted negotiator Obi Wan Kenobi said he is personally affected by each death, feeling "a disturbance in the force."
The Sudanese Empire is now threatening to halt all food shipments to planet Darfur, calling the plan "Death Starve." The goal is to starve the local population unless they accept the peace deal. The humanitarian situation on the ground is already dire, with many UN shipments being intercepted by pirates off the Somali coast. NATO warships are on the lookout for a pirate ship named the "Millennium Falcon."
US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice called on Sudanese Emperor Palpatine to hold off the Death Starve and attempt more negotiations. The African Union of Planets is also accusing the imperial government of illicit tactics. Allegedly the local Janjaweed tribes on Planet Darfur are being supported by Sudan to strike back at the rebels. They have even kidnapped a local princess.
The ongoing conflict on Darfur has destroyed has destroyed the local economy, based largely on pod racing. Entrepreneur Jabba the Hut says it is too dangerous to stage races. Millions have also been displaced from their homes, and almost everyone has a family member or friend who has been killed. Young Darfurian Luke Skywalker bemoaned, "Both my parents are dead, and now I have to live with my aunt and uncle. But I swear, once I grow up I'll join the rebellion and avenge their deaths." UN negotiator Obi Wan Kenobi says such young, inexperienced fighters help contribute to the unfortunate death toll. He says that before fighting, they should "at least learn how to use the force, I mean - horse." Some imperial troops are quite skilled on horses.
Should the Sudanese Empire resort to its "Death Starve" plan, the results could be catastrophic. But for the plan to work, Sudan would have to cut off all of the humanitarian food delivery routes, which are being kept secret by the UN. Spokesman Cee Threepio says the routes are "encrypted using the latest cryptology algorithms, like RSA and R2D2."
Negotiators are hopeful a deal could still be reached, despite today's setback. Rebel representative Yodak El-Khalif asserted, "Peace on Darfur - achieve we must. Sudanese Empire allowed to win must not be."