UnNews:Reaper Malden accidentally murders NFL star on first day
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Reaper Malden accidentally murders NFL star on first day
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, May 30, 2016, 14:38:UTC)(
4 July 2009
NASHVILLE, Tennessee -- Newly-appointed Grim Reaper Karl Malden, who was inaugurated earlier than his planned Monday debut (due to the threat of online piracy), accidentally unleashed his supernatural powers on Tennessee Titans quarterback Steve McNair by shooting him multiple times in the face early Saturday. Malden, an Academy Award-winning former actor known for starring opposite Marlon Brando in On the Waterfront and A Streetcar Named Desire, will not be charged with manslaughter as dictated by the Supernatural Deity Penal Code.
This is the first violation of Grim Reaper protocol since the death of Pope John Paul I in 1978, which broke the five-year moratorium on Pope-related deaths following a new appointment. Then-Reaper Groucho Marx was fired as a result. He was replaced by Abe Vigoda, who went as far as to legally change his name to Grimace Yancy Reaper; Vigoda held the job until his June 28 suicide following a seemingly endless string of shocking celebrity deaths.
"I couldn't be more disappointed in my new friend Karl," DeathCo. CEO Donald Trump told UnNews. "This man's got potential, but he just doesn't have the mindset for the job yet. Let's give him a chance to blossom, alright?"
Transcendental Police Department officers received a panicked call from Malden Saturday morning as the Reaper reported his own error. Dispatchers note his tone as "nervous, but still kind of impressed by himself" as he reported McNair's unfortunate disintegration. Trump and the TPD will allow Malden to go free, albeit with a strike added to his permanent record. Rumor has it that Malden was attempting to kill Steve McQueen, who already died November 7, 1980. Trump won't confirm who the intended target was.
Hell was not available for official comment but sympathized with Malden and his urge to "murder the weak, weak humans."