UnNews:Real Elvis singer dies at 74

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Real Elvis singer dies at 74

Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?

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29 January 2011

MEMPHIS, Tennessee-- Elvis Presley was the 50's, many people say. Well, they're wrong. According to an in depth report over the last five years, Presley did not sing any of his material. That honour goes to John Burrows, who died last night of kidney failure. Yes, Elvis Presley was a lip syncher.

Elvis Presley (born Regis Hopkins) actually made up the fact that he sung as a kid in churches. In fact, he actually was at an insane asylum because of huffing kittens, which at that time was illegal in Mississippi.


Elvis Presley, who never sang any of his material

While all of Presley's photos are actually Photoshoppeed, it was actually a bet between Presley and Robert Klein that if Presley becomes a fake star, then he'll get more drugs. It was later discovered that Klein never existed, he was in fact a hallucication in part of his kitten huffing addiction. Presley hired Burrows, who in fact did sing at churches and was talented growing up, to sing; while Presley lip- synched. However, Burrows never got credit for anything, and the Presley family, the producers, and everyone else that had something to do with it, was told to stay quiet.

After Presley died after trying to see if putting a kitten in an Indian pipe and smoking it while taking a shit in 1977, Burrows took up cat huffing, which was illegal in 28 states, and got him into prison for 10 years. He then worked at a McDonalds for 8 years.

John Burrows was interviewed a year ago by UnNews. "Well, Presley, he was always stoned", says Burrows, "and he liked to make fart jokes."

So for all the theorists that thought Presley was still alive, you were half right until now.

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