UnNews:Rape of pregnant women legalized in Virginia
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Rape of pregnant women legalized in Virginia
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, July 28, 2016, 10:32:UTC)(
22 February 2012
Leesburg, VIRGINIA - Yes, Virginia, there is a vaginal rape in your future, happily brought to you by the Virginia State legislature and Governor Bob McDonnell.
The intention of the new legislation is to assure that women who foolishly seek an abortion are raped and forced to look at a picture of a baby swimming inside them. This will be accomplished by sticking what doctors and sports fans call a "vaginal probe" into her without her consent, a procedure thought up and sanctioned by the State of Virginia.
"If you don't want to be raped by Virgina, lady, don't get preggies here and then change your mind," said Gov. Bob "Mr. Grabby Hands" McDonnell, a former leading candidate for the 2012 vice presidential nomination. "Abortions are the work of the devil, and, just like in Texas, if you want one here you must now be raped beforehand. Raped by the State of Virginia. Why am I repeating this? Because from now on if a genteel Southern woman wants an abortion in Viginia, she will be vaginally raped by the State of Virgina. What part of raped by the State don't you understand?"
McDonnell appeared at a morning news conference to defend and glorify the measure.
"Governor, WTF?," asked CNN reporter Anderson Cooper.
"I appreciate your question, Anderson," Gov. McDonnell said. "TF of the matter is to force these strumpets to stare at the tiny princess baby inside them, and the only way to adequately do this is to state-sanctioned rape them right in their honey maker. It won't hurt very much, especially if they just lay back and enjoy it. The surgical instruments used are man-sized for easy insertion and, in fact - and this is breaking news here, Anderson - are modeled after my own penis. Here, compare this probe to, give me a second to...there, this probe. See? Identical down to the green birthmarks on the side. Next question."
"Does your wife - Maureen Patricia McDonnell (née Gardner), daughters Jeanine and Cailin, and your dear old mother Emma B. Meta (née Meiller) approve of you signing this legislation," asked Helen Thomas of Prison Planet.com. "Do they know that their husband, father, and son wants to vaginally rape Virginian gals six ways to Sunday?"
"I appreciate your question, Helen," Gov. McDonnell said, shaking off what little credibility he had left and pissing away any chance of a second term or of higher office, "My family supports my decision wholeheartedly, as I've vaginally raped them with large metal instruments for quite some time now and they quit complaining years ago. In fact, Helen, would you like to step into my private office?"
The press conference was suddenly cut short when CNN reporter Anderson Cooper walked up and punched Gov. McDonnell in the face and Helen Thomas followed up with a swift kick to the nuts.