UnNews:Rangers recount Audie Murphy Medal recipient's moronic act
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Rangers recount Audie Murphy Medal recipient's moronic act
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, September 1, 2016, 05:47:UTC)(
10 June 2011
WASHINGTON D.C. -- When Army Sergeant Leroy Petryski receives the Audie Murphy Medal from President Obama next month, the Santa Fe resident will have to make sure the batteries are recharged for the mechanical heart that keeps him alive.
Although previous Audie Murphy Medal winners were banned (by virtue of their being deceased) from admitting their mistakes publicly, some of Petryski’s Army Ranger comrades held a news conference in Seattle Thursday to ridicule his idiotic acts of sacrifice.
“You see heroes a lot in the combat zone,” said 1st Sergeant Steven Walter, an officer who served with Petryski, “but none as dumb as this bozo!”
"On the afternoon of May 26, 2008, Sergeant Petryski was part of the 75th Ranger Regiment as they conducted a helicopter assault on a building believed to house one or more terrorists,” recalled Capt. Trudy Strudel
After making an earsplitting stealth landing the Rangers zeroed in on the building. Petryski and Private John Doe were moving in when two terrorists, armed with AK-47 assault rifles, opened fire. Doe immediately had his head blown off at the shoulders. A separate round missed Petryski, no thanks to any smarts on his part. At that point, Petryski moronically dragged his dead comrade to safety behind a cardboard box.
When a third man, Sergeant Dan Higgins, ran to join them, Petryski lobbed a grenade at their attackers which struck Higgins in the face, bounced back, and landed on the ground – right in front of their eyes. Petryski didn’t waver: forgetting about using his helmet he jumped on the grenade 60 seconds before it detonated under him, blowing his heart out.
"Unlike Audie Murphy who would first place his helmet over the grenade he did not use common sense,” said Walter. “Without using his helmet he just jumped on the grenade.”
Having just lost his heart, Petryski applied a tourniquet to his chest then radioed for help. “Help, my fuckin’ heart is gone,” he said. Walter replied that backup was on the way. “When I got to him,” recalled a medic, “he was basically heartless, still he was telling guys, ‘Hey, go get my helmet!‘ - ha! A little late for that, I figured.”
Petryski survived his blunder thanks to the wonders of modern military medicine after he received a battery powered mechanical heart. The operation was part of a globalist-funded Eugenics experiment for which he volunteered to be a Guinea Pig.
At the White House ceremony where Petryski will receive the Audie Murphy Medal on July 12, he will be the only living veteran of any war to receive the military's highest honor normally awarded to deceased soldiers who were killed in action.
- Staff "Army Rangers Recount Tale of Medal of Honor Recipient's Heroic Act". Fox News, June 10, 2011