UnNews:Rand Paul calls for defunding Israel in the name of Aqua Buddha
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Rand Paul calls for defunding Israel in the name of Aqua Buddha
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, June 30, 2016, 01:36:UTC)(
31 January 2011
WASHINGTON D.C. -- Newly elected senator and Tea Party icon Rand Paul (R-KY) has introduced a bill that would end the United States' foreign aid to Israel as a means to honor his god, Aqua Buddha. According to Sen. Paul, the U.S. only sends billions of dollars to Israel every year in response to the Judeo-Christian scriptures: "And I will make thee a great nation, and I will bless thee...I will bless them that bless thee, and curse him that curseth thee: and in thee shall all families of the earth be blessed" (Genesis 12:2-3, King James Version).
Paul's devotion to Aqua Buddha goes back to his college days, when he would meditate under his own personal Bodhi tree by the lake and smoke weed. Once he reached enlightenment, he teamed up with his frat brothers to kidnap a coed, tie her up and force her to worship his god in direct defiance to the principles of his former spritual teacher, Ayn Rand.
Speaking in front of the Senate, Paul proclaimed:
|“||Aqua Buddha is not pleased that we have turned a blind eye to Him and instead followed the blood-lust god of Israel. We as a nation must promote peace and tranquility, not wars and imperialism. The true Chosen Land, once the most peaceful and prosperous land on Earth, learned this lesson the hard way. I fear the United States is heading toward the same fate as that of Atlantis.||”|
Paul went on to state that the bill was "a start" to a more Aqua Buddha-centered America, including ending the wars in the Middle East, legalizing marijuana possession and kidnapping women, and returning to the Gold Standard with new currency modeled after the money they used in Atlantis, i.e. gold coins with Aqua Buddha's portrait.
However, the entirety of Congress, excluding Paul's own father Ron Paul, have criticized the bill, and are expected to unanimously vote against it. Many of Ron/Rand Paul's supporters view this as a conspiracy by Israel lobby elites, though not necessarily defining it as a Jewish conspiracy, for that would be Anti-Semitic thinking. Aqua Buddha loves all people.
- Donna Cassanta "GOP senator favors cutting US aid to Israel". Associated Press, January 28, 2011
- Alex Pareen "Rand Paul's debate interrupted by Aqua Buddha". Salon, October 18, 2010