Rand Paul announces 50-state campaign

Fake News that's honestly fake

UnNews Logo Potato
Monday, July 16, 2018, 00:53:59 (UTC)

F iconNewsroomAudio (staff)Foolitzer Prize

Feed-iconIndexesRandom story

7 April 2015

Rand Paul 1

Sen. Paul gestures to illustrate the number of electoral votes he expects to capture.

BUGTUSTLE, Kentucky -- Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) launched his campaign for the 2016 Republican nomination for President, promising a 50-state campaign.

The announcement was huge for a small-government libertarian. Usually, such candidates inspire flocks of pot-smokers and basement-dwellers, who cheer at rallies and sometimes even register to vote, only to be shocked that their candidate is nowhere on the ballot, replaced by candidates they know nothing about.

Ballot access works differently in each state, but always involves mutual back-scratching and off-stage treachery. For example, Sen. Paul will have to follow other Republican hopefuls to Iowa and explain how his small-government message, "Defeat the Washington machine," coexists with paying Iowa farmers billions to turn their corn crops into ethanol to make the nation's gasoline work worse and drive up the price of food. He will then have to go to states where Republicans are conservative and devise conundrums, such as Mitt Romney's foray into libertarianism, "Abortion is really awful but I would never impose my opinion on someone else, except to force them to buy insurance."

Sen. Paul is the son of former Rep. Ron Paul, perennial candidate of the Republican and Libertarian Party, but the Senator is the real thing, as he was named after Ayn Rand. The father's Presidential campaigns unified voters on every fringe of American politics, from those who claim that the September 11 attacks were a Jew conspiracy to those who believe that ISIS is a result of American provocation. It remains unclear how many fringes the younger Paul can appeal to, but his push in the Senate to audit the "F.E.D." won him plaudits from America's green ink brigade and many stints on talk radio programs. He is expected to begin with a renewed inquiry into Barack Obama's birth.

Sen. Paul's "all-chips-in" message was enhanced when the Kentucky Republican Party changed the rules so that he can totally commit to run for President, and run to keep his Senate seat at the same time, just in case his inspiring national campaign fails to inspire or be national.

In related news, Arizona senator John McCain announced that he is running for years 31 through 36 in the U.S. Senate. Arizonans enjoyed Sen. McCain's brief 2010 charade of being a conservative to defeat J.D. Hayworth, were disappointed that its stage run ended abruptly on Election Day, and are looking for an encore, as clones such as New Hampshire's Kelly Ayotte are anxious to learn how the maestro does it.

Sources Edit