Rain is encouraged in our beloved land
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, August 30, 2015, 06:40:UTC)(
10 January 2012
Pyongyang, North Korea-- North Koreans saw today the first indication that their new beloved leader Kim Jong-Un will be a beloved immortal leader like their previous immortal leaders who are now dead. Kim Jong-Un demonstrated to the people of his great nation that he can control the weather as effectively as North Korea's last omnipotent leader if not even more omnipotently. While blessing his adoring people's republic people with his words, water began to materialize in the lower atmosphere as if out of nowhere and proceeded to fall downwards. According to a beloved citizen who we interviewed in secret (in hopes that the all-knowing leader might not know about it), the incredible events were reported: "First it wasn't raining... and then it started to rain. Our beloved leader made it happen. Our beloved leader has brought us rain... and we thank our beloved leader and we hope he will make the sky rain water in the future. Or food. It would be nice if it rained food. But that of course is for our great leader to decide and make happen."
Yesterday the People's Republic Army held a mass demonstration in North Korea's city. As Pyongyang has a beloved four lane street, tanks began rolling down that street, one after another in North Korea's four lane street. The people sang out loud beloved leader songs mixed with a moderate amount of whailing and screaming for the recent soul destroying news of the death of their previous all powerful leader. Another citizen of the People's Republic was interviewed through beloved deceptive filming techniques so that we could record it and smuggle the camera past the beloved leader's eyes and ears in North Korea's airport. "Our beloved leader built us this boulevard to show us how much he loved us ... and now our new beloved leader has created beloved tanks and is making them move down our beloved boulevard to show us how much our leader wants us to see his tanks."
Kim Jong-Un is expected to make it rain many more times throughout his long invincible life until his invincible successor will assume his rain making responsibilities. North Koreas's square was filled with valiant citizens without umbrellas. Umbrellas were entirely absent in North Korea's square except for one which kept the republic's invincible leader from getting wet. We asked a North Korean why he had no umbrella. He fearfully explained "our beloved leader has rewarded us with beloved rain. It would be disrespectful to stop the rain that is pouring on our beloved leader's heads (refering to the citizen's heads that is) and not let the rain fall onto our beloved leader's bodies (the citizen's bodies that is). How could we stop the same rain that our beloved leader wanted to fall on us and not let it fall on us? It isn't for us to decide where rain should fall but it is up to our beloved leader to make it rain when he knows best" she said just as the beloved leaders secret service men approached our interviewee and her extended family, inviting them to exit North Korea's square before the peoples republic's other people. We thought it best not to join them.
Kim Jong-Un delivered his beloved speech and then left in his custom-made beloved leader vehicle which is similar to a German BMW only with the insignia of the beloved leader at the front of its hood. He slowly drove down North Korea's beloved boulevard to hungry citizens cheers: "May our beloved leader live a long and happy eternal life until that eternal life is ripped away from our souls" followed by more hysterical beloved screaming for their recent loss. "May our new leader bring us beloved years of plenty, and rain, and some school books and abundance". Kim Jong-Un's vehicle stalled for a beloved moment and then restarted and took off. One could easily overhear a chorus of amazed citizens "Look, look over there, our beloved leader made his vehicle stall and then our beloved leader made it start again. May he live a long life and continue to bring us beloved UN bags of rice and beloved anti-biotics". Kim Jong-Un is expected to throw a modest (and of course, beloved) party for the special people of the people's rebublic this evening. North Korea's leader is expected to serve people's republic food brought in from Milan and Paris and frugal bottled water from the Champagne region of France with an array of very cheap consumption imports from Switzerland and Montecarlo. The small and quiet reception will be held to honour North Korea's latest indestructible leader and will spell the end of public hysteria and painful honest tears for the late leader.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|