Rain falls on United Kingdom
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, November 20, 2018, 15:35:UTC)(
17 June 2007
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LONDON, United Kingdom Britain was hit by what can only be described as rain today. The incident occurred after water from oceans and rivers evaporated and condensed into bubbles before precipitating up to the sky where it returned to the air via sun light.
Thousands of people who were going out for a "nice stroll and maybe [to] pick up a newspaper" were forced to cancel their plans and remain inside, watching low-budget televisional entertainment. Latest casualty figures show that over 4,000 people were soaked, with another 132,000 dampened in some way. Garages saw hundreds of people returning soft-top cars, with owners complaining that there had been no mention of the possibility of this 'rain' when they were sold them. Scenes on the streets of Britain were chaotic; reminiscent, some said, of 'that rather chilly breeze' of 1980 and the 'brief flurry of snow' of 1964.
American President George Bush immediately offered his support, pledging to send six million dollars worth of aid to help dry those affected by 'wet'. “We stand shoulder to shoulder with our British cousins today after the horrible events that have happened to those folks over-there this morning", he commented at a White House press conference, "I now think we have no other choice but to gather ourselves, arm ourselves, sit in our houses and send 200,000 troops into Iran.”
Professor Richard Likely from Oxford University commented, “Rain is not the harmless and fun phenomenon you see in films such as ‘Singing in the Rain’, in fact it’s quite impractical to sing whilst it is raining. " His next words were to be even more revealing: "Essentially rain is water falling from the sky, I know it sounds ridiculous, but at this stage we are at least sure of that."
Eye witness Kate Shaw was washing up in her kitchen when she noticed little spots of moisture appearing on her window. “It was a real shock. One drop turned to two and it wasn’t long before I lost count. I had to get a calculator.”
Prime Minister Gordon Brown was quick to loosen his collar, roll up his sleeves and put a distant smile on his face. He immediately put an emergency plan into action and ordered that enough tea for 150,000 people who were either soaked or badly damp be made. The tea was brewed in seven giant teapots stored in Kent for just such an occasion. Survivors have said that the tea was a bit watery, with many forced into the indignity of using extra sugar to boost the flavour.
All citizens affected by 'wet' are advised to contact their doctors for professional advice. Hot 'wet' has been known to cause severe burns. Large quantities of 'wet' have also been known to cause drowning. Some less dangerous side effects of 'wet' include making biscuits soggy, and thinning beer.
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