UnNews:Raiders drop dead at Blizzcon
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Raiders drop dead at Blizzcon
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, August 3, 2015, 23:15:UTC)(
25 May 2008
Today at Blizzcon 40 members of the World of Wowcraft guild NulWhom were found dead in computer lab 3. 3 blizzard employees were found dead in the snack room which was filled with over 1800ibs of human feces.
Last Sunday the guild NulWhom, short for useless waste of time, was challenged to a one week Naxxramas challenge in which 40 representatives of the guild were allowed 1 week to 'get attuned, clear naxx, and kill Kel Thuzad'. Naxxramas is a 'Raid Instance' in World of Warcraft(WoW) meaning it requires 40 players and a lot of in game preperation. NulWhom, who was the only guild to finish Naxxramas before World of Warcrafts expansion, The Burning Crusade, gladly accepted the challenge to get promised 'ubber epics' and killer lewtz'. As part of the competition however the gamers and their in game characters were isolated from the rest of the world to prevent outside aid and turn swapping, an idea that the evil laugh known as Blizzaard thought would be completly harmless.
By Saturday night the representatives were already camping outside the blizzcon computer lab which had been converted from a gym. The reps each carried an average of 280 ibs (or half the reps weight) of hot pockets in backpack, duffle-bags and shopping carts. Half of the hot pockets were already eaten however when the reps were brought into the makeshift computer lab. One blizzcon janitor noted that they weren't carrying any sleeping bags.
For their convenience a 'snack room' was sectioned off in the gym/computer lab. The player reps however had to walk down the hall to the restrooms however and for this reason 3 Blizzard reps were present to walk the players between the bathroom and back to make sure no cheating was afoot.
Each of the dead players were found slumped over their computers with the game still running, proving once again that cabal online is better then wow in every way. It is theroized that the players suffered severe convulsions while playing at the realization of the futility of playing a game that wasn't the best. The problem with this theroy, as blizzard pointed out is that it does not account for why the players tied up and subsequently killed the blizzard reps earlier in the week.
Blizzard has also discounted security camera footage as facked on the basis that WoW does not cause insanity. The footage shows half of the players dead and a group of them slaughtering the employees.