|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
20 March 2011
The high levels of radiation released by nuclear power plants in Japan have hit the west coast causing various gene mutations, and a high number of these mutations are resulting in surprising outcomes. Wayne Mitchell, a resident here, woke up this morning to discover that he no longer needed a car, as he could just fly to work. Another resident, Emily Brock, realized this morning that she was easily able to slip between even the tightest of spaces. And Biff Spaulding has discovered he can punch his way through concrete walls, though he says the accompanying scaly skin is making it
really hard to pick up chicks at the bar. Many cases such as these have been popping up all over California. So far, over 500 West-Coast residents have come forward with supposed "superpowers."
When asked if he would use his new powers to fight crime, Mr. Mitchell responded,
Uh...no. Why in the hell would I do that? This sentiment is expressed by the vast majority of those who have come forward, although various individuals in costumes have been reported all across the West Coast. The East Coast has been unaffected by this, except for those who voice outrage at this development.
This is just as I always feared says Dr. Otto Octavius from New York City.
I used to be able to travel to the west coast for...research, but now there are countless others doing my...research before I even get there!
In an unrelated story, funeral homes in California are busier than ever, with many claiming their loved ones have died of mysterious knife and/or bullet wounds.