|This article is part of UnNews||We distort, you deride|
12 February 2013
ROME, Italy -- The race to become the next Catholic Pope has got a lot of
gamblers people eager to influence the choice of who replaces Pope Benedict XVI when he steps down. The contest is said to be 'wide open' with a number of possible contenders.
The election, which is due in March 2013, is already promising to be the 'dirtiest election' since 1492. This was when Pope Pope Alexander VI 'the Borgia Pope' poisoned his rivals to slide his fat Spanish arse onto St. Peter's Chair. So far these are the known candidates, with the former US Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld heading another list on the Unknown knowns. Strictly speaking, only cardinals have been chosen in the past but in theory anyone who is Catholic or converted or has drank the Communion wine is eligible.
- Silvio Berlusconi. Former Italian Prime Minister. Pros: Italian, knows his way round Rome. Rich enough not to want the job for financial reasons. Cons: Too much Bunga-Bunga, may relapse into previous behavior before his confirmation as Pope. Betting odds: 69/1
- Father Jack. Irish priest, lives on Craggy Island. Pros: Irish, Guinness. Speaks his mind in very simple terms that ordinary lay people can grasp. 'Girls', 'Drink' and 'Feck' are unstandable in all languages. Cons: Has visions that don't seem to relate to Catholic doctrine. Betting Odds: 10/1
- Tony Blair. Former British Prime Minister and a Catholic convert. Pros: Knows a lot of people, smiles a lot. Had hoped to be President of Europe but being Pope would be a 'bonus and a blessing'. Cons: British. Married to Cherie Blair. Friends with George Dubya Bush. Knows Bill Clinton. Betting odds: 50/1
- Sally Field. Once played a Flying Nun in a television series. Pros: American, award winning actress. Would look good in papal dress. Cons: American. A woman. Nude scenes in movies. Can't fly so can't cut the cost of touring as promised in TV role. Betting odds: 3/1
- Sister Wendy. A British nun, lives in a caravan. Talks and writes about art including a lot of naked paintings. Pros: Celibate. Teeth. Is a real nun (see above). Cons: British, a woman (again). A bit old too, may smell a bit... you know what old people are like when it comes to washing. Betting odds: 6/1
- Tomás de Torquemada. Hardline, Spanish anti-semite and heretic burner. Would run a very tight ship. Pros: Will make Pope Benedict look like a pot smoking liberal with loose morals. Cons: Dead. Very dead since 1498 which would be an administrative challenge for the Vatican but not impossible. Betting odds: 11/1
- Sir Alex Ferguson. Enigmatic Manchester United manager know for his ferocious temper and whiskey capacity. Pros: Experienced tactician and a master at mind manipulation. Cons: Not particularly experienced in the clergy, and unlikely to leave United at this state of the season. Betting odds: 66/1
- St. Louis Cardinals An American football team since 1900 which is, by USA standards, very very old. Pros: A body of professionals who will really take the game to the opposition. Any teams put up by Anglicans, Orthodox, Jews, Muslims or Atheists will not stand a chance on the field. Cons: Theological stance on abortion, sex before marriage, gay sex, condoms, mixed showers etc.. not known and may cause disquiet in traditional circles. Also being an American sports team will cause problems in other countries that don't play the game. Betting odds: 96/1
- St. Peter. Temporally dead since 64 AD. Legally all subsequent Popes have been his deputies or 'vicars' so if the Apostle returns, he becomes the Catholic leader. Pros: Has direct line to Jesus and God so expect he will know what they are talking about regards Christianity. Cons: St. Peter is currently running the immigration desk in Heaven so will need to find someone to look after his keys. May be an interim replacement if the Anti-Christ turns up as expected. Betting odds: 1/1
- Jay-Z. Religious affiliations a bit of a mystery but could be first Black Pope. Will receive support from Barack Obama. Pros: Beyonce. Phwooarrr!!!..imagine Sunday services with her miming the Lord's Prayer. Cons: Americans. Jay-Z. Beyonce won't look like that in 30 years in time unless her name is Tina Turner. Betting odds: 70/1
Other candidates may throw their hats or bras into the Papal ring including Madonna, Mel Gibson and Al Pacino. Russell Brand declined to stand again after his earlier failure in 2010 to dislodge Pope Benedict.
Nominations will end on the 28th February. Then after various tests including a full body shake down to check for hidden microphones or miniature cameras, the contestants are then lead into a small room. A series of doctrinal tests will then take place, though in the interests of the catcheism, there will be no bed sharing. Those with the lowest votes will then be ejected from the 'conclave'. When a winner is announced, the doors to St. Peter's Basilica will open and a large cake is wheeled out. The winner will then burst out of this confection and sing There's No Business Like Pope Business Like No Business I know.
By this act, a new Pope will have been chosen.
The Vatican accepts no responsibility for the voting procedure. If we elect someone unsuitable for the post, the Catholic Church is entitled to call a General Council to fix the mess.