UnNews:RBS to take SAS approach to customer service
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
RBS to take SAS approach to customer service
Democracy Dies with Dignity
Sunday, March 25, 2018, 02:01:UTC)(
11 April 2016
EDINBURGH, Scotland -- The Royal Bank of Scotland is using Special Forces personnel to assist in transforming their customer services from an apologetic group of low-morale call centre representatives, into an elite and terrifying fighting force. The first wave of staff are already ‘tabbing’ across the Brecon Beacons, on the gruelling ‘endurance phase’ of their training.
According to a press release, RBS acknowledges ongoing dissatisfaction with customer services. To improve operational efficiency and reduce the number of complaints, the bank will now deploy elite operatives to the properties of customers, rapid-roping from a Chinook helicopter directly onto their roof.
RBS spokesperson Hamish McSporren said: "Our aim is to deploy a squad to a customer within 60 minutes, which is much shorter than current call waiting times. On landing at the target, the operatives will establish a covert layup point for a quick reccie, before entering the property through a downstairs window using flash-bangs and smoke grenades.
“After neutralising others in the building with the butts of weapons and cable ties, our valued customer will be disabled, hooded and extracted via a C130 Hercules, on standby at the nearest playing field. They are then taken, free of charge, to a secret derelict warehouse, allowing customer services to exercise questionable military techniques — beyond audible screaming-range of customers of other banks — to extract detailed information. Analysis of the data will create a clearer picture of complaints, what causes them, and how interrogation processes can be improved.”
The ‘hills stage’ of training in the Brecon Beacons and Black Hills of South Wales is known as Endurance. It not only tests a customer service representative’s physical fitness, but also their mental stamina. The ‘team member’ has to carry an ponderously heavy Bergen over a series of long timed hikes, navigating between checkpoints. The final test of the phase is a 40-mile hike with a 55lb pack, to be completed within 24 hours.
After this section, they are deployed to Belize to carry out jungle training and survival, before learning escape and evasion techniques and tactical questioning, although the last section is not expected to be a challenge to RBS staff.
Mrs Campbell, course member and mother of three from Leith, was positive about the team building it is providing: “Sitting in a cubicle all day listening to people begging for an overdraft is not really conducive to getting to know work colleagues. However, laying into each other using Krav Manga has brought the team much closer together, despite losing a few teeth to head kicks.”
RBS is hoping this approach will also reduce the number of complaints. According to data, a significant portion of dissatisfaction comes when customers feel their calls are failing to make any impact. The bank hopes by pulling their valued customers by the hair from their homes and subjecting them to extreme military disorientation and stress, they will be able to fight off challenger banks such as Atom, which recently launched a free mobile banking app.
- James Nunns "RBS reveals SAS powered data-driven approach to tackling customer service". CBR Online, April 11, 2016