UnNews:Questions for the new America
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Questions for the new America
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, December 4, 2016, 14:14:UTC)(
11 December 2012
Denver, Colorado --
Gone are the paranoid, post 9/11 days of 'with us or against us', when America bestrode the world like a colostomy, raining down shit on all who stood against her.
Racial and ethnic attitudes and demographics are also changing. By a comfortable margin, America has just re-elected a Left-leaning, African-American president. The current top favorite presidential candidate for 2016 is a woman: former First Lady, Senator and current Secretary of State, Hillary Rodham Clinton.
Sooo...what the fuck's going on? Well, we have no clue whatsoever. So, for this first installment of our American Interview Series, UnNews decided to sit down and have a chat with a young fellow named Bruce Wang-Ramirez, someone who we think is a perfect representative of the New America. An UnNews staff reporter asked him a few questions recently on a beautiful sunny day on the steps of the state Capital in Colorado, where marijuana has just been legalized.
UnNews: Thanks for agreeing to sit down and talk with me today.
Wang-Ramirez: I was already sitting down. You just walked up to me and started talking.
UnNews: Well then, thanks for talking back to me.
UnNews: Can I ask how old you are?
Wang-Ramirez: Sure, I'm nineteen.
UnNews: And what brings you to the state Capital today?
Wang-Ramirez: They just made pot legal, so my boyfriend and me and a few friends came here to spark up some joints and celebrate.
UnNews: You're gay?
Wang-Ramirez: Well, obviously. You were staring at us like a perv when I was kissing him goodbye a few minutes ago.
UnNews: I wasn't staring, just couldn't help but notice---
Wang-Ramirez: Just so you know, in case that's what this is about, I'm not into old, bald guys, ok?
UnNews: Who is? Look, I just want to ask you a few questions for my newspaper about how America is changing.
Wang-Ramirez: Ok then, sorry, nothing personal.
UnNews: No problem at all. You're here alone now, where are all the joints and the friends?
Wang-Ramirez: We smoked, got pretty wasted, and that was it. They had places to be so they left. You just missed it.
UnNews: That's a pity.
Wang-Ramirez: I guess. So anyway, we're all stoked about pot finally being---
UnNews: You still have some pot on you?
Wang-Ramirez: Um, yeah.
UnNews: I see...
UnNews: ...Nothing, never mind. Ok, so, you're happy about pot being legal, what about gay marriage?
Wang-Ramirez: Oh, wow. It's just awesome, really. It's so great to be living in a time when a whole category of people are becoming free and---
UnNews: How much do you have?
Wang-Ramirez: What, weed?
Wang-Ramirez: Enough for a few joints. Why?
UnNews: Just curious. Tell me, what do you think about President Obama?
Wang-Ramirez: I was too young to vote for him the first time, but this time I was old enough and it felt really good to vote for him, and help him get re-elected.
UnNews: What do you remember about the Bush Era?
Wang-Ramirez: To be honest, not much. I just remember he was an asshole, and had some kind of speech impediment.
UnNews: That about sums it up. So listen...um, is it good? The weed?
Wang-Ramirez: Yeah, it's pretty good. Why, you want to smoke?
UnNews: I don't know...Yes. Yes I do. It would be good for my research. Do you mind?
Wang-Ramirez: Well, I was kinda saving it for later, but I guess I can spare enough for a joint, if you really want to.
Wang-Ramirez: Oh shucks, I'm out of papers. Oh well, maybe next---
UnNews: I have some Bambu, here you go.
Wang-Ramirez: Fantastic...Ok then...
UnNews: While you roll, can you tell me something about your background?
Wang-Ramirez: I'm part Asian, part Hispanic. My mom came from Vietnam and my dad---
UnNews: My, god! It's so green!
Wang-Ramirez: Yeah..anyway, my dad is from Nicaragua.
UnNews: That's great, you must be really proud of them. I can't believe how fantastic that smells.
Wang-Ramirez: Uh huh...
UnNews: Come on, put a little more, that's not enough...Yeah, that's perfect. So, what was it like growing up as a half Asian, half Hispanic gay kid, was it rough?
Wang-Ramirez: No, all my friends growing up were first generation immigrants from somewhere else. As far as being gay goes, nobody even knew till I came out a couple of years ago.
UnNews: You roll fast! Can I light it up?
Wang-Ramirez: Yeah, sure, here you go.
UnNews: Damn! That's smooth, not harsh at all. Where do you get this shit?
Wang-Ramirez: I'm not going to tell you that.
UnNews: Why not, it's legal now. Come on, man...
Wang-Ramirez: Nope, sorry. Not going to happen.
UnNews: Ok, ok, never mind...Oh my God...my head is pounding like a giant heart...
Wang-Ramirez: Hey, maybe you should slow down dude. It's almost half gone already.
UnNews: I'm fine, I'm fine...Oh man...
Wang-Ramirez: What's so funny?
UnNews: See that old lady that just went by?
UnNews: Wouldn't it have been funny if I stuck my leg out and she tripped and rolled down the steps...
Wang-Ramirez: No, not really...
UnNews: ...and like, some guy was playing the drums while she rolled down? Ya know...?
Wang-Ramirez: No. I don't know. You shouldn't smoke, man, you can't handle it.
UnNews: What? Are you kidding me? I was smoking before you were even born! Are you fucking serious?
Wang-Ramirez: Hey, you know what man? Fuck you, and fuck your stupid ass interview! I'm outta here!
UnNews: No! Fuck you, asshole! FUCK YOU!
Next week's interview: UnNews has a talk with professional sex worker, Rhonda Wakmen about the ins and outs of prostitution in today's America.