Queen will not tolerate any more shite

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14 December 2009

Queen gun

"That's right, I'm armed and well-practiced. Out of the way, pissants!"

LONDON, UK -- In a special memo to the Prime Minister and Parliament of the United Kingdom, Queen Elizabeth II released details of her new, aggressive stance against terrorism and bad manners. "It's high time We deny access to our great civilisation to brutes and barbarians, who lack the good graces to learn our language, worship God properly, and aspire to a life less admirable than that of a chav," said the Queen, in an appeal for strict enforcement of "the British way of life".

Measures run the gamut from personal protection (see photo) to closure of national borders half the year, and holding a special exam for entry into the country. "The Scots, of course, can take care of themselves. let Mel Gibson help them, they love him so much," continued the incumbent regent.

There is much speculation among Ministers of Government concerning a new medication regime she's been following. An unnamed assistant to a Minister told UnNews, "It's been noticed that she began packing heat on December 2, the day after she'd begun taking new pills for an unspecified genetic disorder, presumably something caused by inbreeding. I mean, just look at those ears on Charles!"

Her Majesty is said to prefer, "something light, maybe a .22 caliber, with a silencer... loud noises make all royalty nervous in general," according to another unnamed source at Buckingham Palace.

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