UnNews:Queen Elizabeth requests new underwear for her sore tush
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Queen Elizabeth requests new underwear for her sore tush
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, July 4, 2015, 05:51:UTC)(
13 August 2009
GARSTANG, Lancashire -- After searching far and wide for the perfect underwear without any success, Queen Elizabeth has decided to put the youth of England up to the task by getting a group of 10-11 year olds from SS March and Michael Catholic Primary School to create the softest and most comfortable granny panties possible.
"For many, many years the Queen has had to sit on rock hard thrones with the uncanny yet very likely prospect of hemorrhoids close at hand. She has yet to find the perfect panties and she therefore thought it a good idea to turn to the unheard children of England for creative advice," said her Lady in Waiting, Susan Hussy when interviewed by UnNews on behalf of her majesty.
This event will be hosted over the next month in which students will be required to create not only the most artistic and decorative underwear possible, but also the softest and most comfortable. The winning student will receive a friendly nod and a handshake from the Queen and also be able to tell their friends that the Queen is wearing their underwear.
"I plan on making a very aesthetic caricature of a cat, lying on a rug in front of a snug, yet kinetic fire in order to inspire a warm synesthesia within the voyeur; that way I can ensure that the consumption of my work evokes true satisfaction," said 10 year old Amy Williams when asked what she had in mind for her design.
The event has already displayed some very promising results. Children have come up with revolutionary ideas for amazing underwear, ranging from an inflatable and deflatable pair of tube-like panties adorned with butterflies and the Taj Mahal, to a heavily-padded, leather pair with a biker mice design and a zipper to ensure that they come off easily in those emergency situations.
If this event proves successful, religious schools could look forward to similar artistic functions such as spew-art on material canvass events and possibly abstract, clay tooth cup holders. Either way, people are showing amazing enthusiasm towards the Queen's newfound hobby and look forward to all her majesty's future projects.