UnNews:Queen Elizabeth II denies doping allegations

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Queen Elizabeth II denies doping allegations

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9 September 2015

Queen shades

Her Majesty arrives at a compulsory drug screening, with her coach and nutritionist known only as: The pharmacist, formally known as The Prince.

BUCKINGHAM PALACE, England -- The Queen of England said she is "not amused" at being accused of turning to doping, in order to challenge the world record for the longest-reigning monarch. The Queen broke her silence after a leaked parliamentary hearing into a doping scandal, implying royally foul play, threatened to reign on her big day today.

Earlier this morning, crowds cheered as the Queen crossed the line, punching the air and singing, "One is the Champion, my friend, and one'll keep on reigniiiing till the end!", which is the Queen's favourite line from The Queen's favourite Queen song. Setting a new world record time of 63 Years : 7 Months : 0 Days : 16 Hours : 30 Minutes : 5 Seconds, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II snatched the crown from previous record holder, Her Majesty Queen Victoria, who held the title for the last 114 years.

Queen Olympic

Her Royal Highness is not amused to discover that news of her doping accusation has broken.

At the same time, a leaked transcript from the Department of Culture Media and Sport (DCMS) select committee, implicating the Her Majesty in a doping scandal, started doing the rounds.

The transcript contains the DCMS committee chairman Jesse Norman MP quizzing David Kenworthy, chairman of UK Anti Doping (UKAD), about a prominent British Monarch. The text contains a section of the meeting where Mr Norman asks Kenworthy: "When you hear that a famous Royal, a potential winner of the Monarch Marathon, is under suspicion for very high levels of blood doping, what do you think of the effect that has on the community how do you feel about that?"

Mr Kenworthy replied: "I think taking the piss in this way is a dangerous game. It would be a tragedy if we found ourselves looking at a Royal event with a degree of cynicism about what we are seeing. It would be somewhat more of a tragedy if we were the ones accused of creating it, and find ourselves locked in The Tower for treason. I think it is our role to quickly overcome that cynicism and, like we do on many of the other Select Committees, quickly change the subject. In this case, to what a great role model and inspiration she has been to the younger, sporting generation."

It was as Her Majesty was stretching out and towelling off excess sweat after the medal ceremony, that the 89 year-old spoke out about the accusation: "One has never ever cheated in one's career... in one's life... except at crib on Friday. But that is only because it'll take forever, as most of the other competitors are dotty. But one being accused of taking steroids to beat Queen Victoria? Poppycock, they are for one's arthritis."

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