UnNews:Quaker Oats recalls Aunt Jemima as a warm, wonderful human being
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
7 March 2008
Quakerland Pennsylvania – UNN. Today the Quaker Oats Company recalled Aunt Jemima as a warm and gracious cook, one who would flip-up some hot boxed pancakes for any man, woman or child that was hungry and then stand by with a big smile on her face as her guests filled themselves to bursting on her tender, moist and flakey cooking.
Jemima, whose exact age is known, died at her shack of suspected botulism.
“We at Quaker Oats are just sick to hear of the news of Jemima’s passing on to the giant kitchen in the sky,” the multi-national corporation said in a news release issued to American media outlets. “She was faithful, reliable and never gave us any back talk. Frankly we never imagined a world in which she, and her profitability, would no longer be a part of our lives.”
When asked if this would mean the removal of Aunt Jemima product from grocery store shelves through America, officials stated "Aunt Jemima would have wanted us to keep using her and her carefully manicured image to help sell the gospel of pancakes and maple syrup and we intend to honor that request."
Jemima became the face of boxed pancake mix and imitation maple flavored syrup in 1888 while working in a menial job for the Pearl River Milling Company of Montgomery County Kentucky. Quaker Oaks acquired the brand through a series of acquisitions, and with their help, Aunt Jemima easily wiped the kitchen floor with her nearest competitor, Mrs. Butterworth.
Ageless, Jemima was known for her fanatical preference of traditional black Mammy attire for over eighty years. In 2000 family members convinced her to modernize her look, which she did by altering hand-me-downs given to her by her friend Betty Crocker.
"Jemima volunteered to come over and help me clean out me closets when I said that I was tired of the past. We stumbled upon a lovely red Dior suit that I had worn for General Mills in the 1960s,” related Crocker from her executive office in New York. "I was half way to throwing it out when she said 'Now Mrs. Crocker why would you throw a beautiful dress like dat away? Why with some mending, and maybe some altering I could get a lot of wear from this.' and you know, she was right."
“She looked so good in that suit I threw in a set of fake pearls and gave her the name of my botox specialist. Two weeks later I passed her on the street. She looked amazing for her age, but you know black women don’t show their age like we do.”
How Jemima contracted the deadly germ is unknown. However Duncan Hines, the noted bob vivant and epicurean, said that "“For as hard as we might find it, that she died from something she ate is an irony that Jemima would have found very amusing. She had a true gallows sense of humor.”"
Jemima's passing brings to end the life of a great American icon. Her husband, Uncle Ben, preceded her in death. She is survived by numerous nieces and nephews including Oprah Winfrey, Montell Williams and Rodney Allen Rippey.