UnNews:Putin and Walesa wed in a truly gay ceremony
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
13 August 2013
‘’’Ames, IOWA’’’ – Russian President/Dictator Vladimir Putin and Polish Wunderkind/WTF? Lech Walesa were married today in Iowa, one of the first states in the U.S. to allow gay nuptials. Successfully traveling to America and holding the event in a barn to hide the ceremony from the prying eyes of a watching world, the only people invited were their Best Man - CNN correspondent Anderson Cooper - and the acrobatic group of nubile teenage boys known as “Putin’s Precious Posse’’.
“Lech is the true love of my life,” drooled the Russian strongman as the couple sat demurely on a bale of hay at the reception, holding hands and pumping their hips rhythmically in anticipation of what was to come. “He built great ships, filled the streets with protests, and served as president of Poland,” said Russia’s Bear, “and now he’ll clap, giggle, and girl it up for me on a nightly basis.”
Future historians agree that Putin, who swims like a dolphin and hauls logs like 19th century American president Paul Bunyan, seems to be the ‘husband’ in the relationship, while Walesa, uncharacteristically shy and withdrawn when in Putin’s presence, wears the ‘wife’ role as comfortably as a suit of old stained clothes.
“Vlad,” asked Cooper, “how do you explain Russia’s newest draconian anti-gay laws which call for the castration by genital hanging of homosexuals while, at the same time, you are clearly bumping greasy parts in Solidarity with your Gdansk boy-toy? And why are there a dozen teen hunks at your wedding when you’ve specifically decreed that your nation’s youth shall not be subjected to any knowledge of the gay?”
“Andy,” Putin purred, “you and I go back a long way, a very long way,” Putin winked, “and, as you know,” Putin implied, “when children are given a choice they choose gay every time. So I decided not to give them that choice, and to keep almost all of them in ignorance of the Bavarian bareback flip, the frisky twitching pony, and the May Day Parade until they are in their mid-20s. By that time they’ll be too embarrassed to play with their friend’s privates, will be other-sexed married, and will be unhappily raising Russian children/soldiers/consumers while drinking their way into an early grave, just as all decent Russians of my generation were expected to do. My countrymen must be content to wait until much later in life to ditch their middle-aged balloon shaped spouses and find real happiness. As for my Posse, exceptions have been made. I’ll show you why.”
The lights dimmed, soft music and woodland scents filled the air, and Putin beckoned Cooper forward to join the newlyweds in a game of tug turtle touch and tickle, wiggle-frog, and mature-goat-jump-up-and-down. By and by, when “Putin’s Precious Posse” began collectively salivating and taking more than a casual interest in the grunting and gyrating presidents and journalist, the Slavic strongman gave the boys his “come hither” look, the talented gymnasts tumbled forward in unison, and the power trio gracefully made room for them in the wet spots.