UnNews:Putin Accuses America of Conducting "Georgian War"
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Putin Accuses America of Conducting "Georgian War"
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, July 8, 2015, 00:44:UTC)(
29 August 2008
PEASANT VILLAGE, Soviet Motherland -- Russian Overlord Vladimir VII the Putin shot accusations at the United States today, saying that they illegally conducted a symphony entitled "Georgian War" in the disputed territory of South Ossetia to promote the re-election of George W. Bush for president.
In this exclusive interview Putin was quoted as saying "Amerika is again using their Super Capitalistic pig powers to oppress the Motherland! They think that they can orchestrate whatever symphonies and overtures they want in my country! I don't know about America, but In Soviet...err...I mean in Free-Wealthy-Grain-and-Steel-Rich Russia you don't play overture, overture play you and then you drink goat piss! Long live Stalin and long live the Motherland!"
The "Georgian Overture" is a slang term for "The Olympic Screwover Waltz" and has been conducted only once before in the past by the former USSR. It is a dangerous overture to conduct as it consists mainly of hordes of tanks attacking innocent people, empty threats of immediate action by Ally countries and cease fire treaties that don't mean shit. Putin claimed that The Boston Pops were the only orchestra trusted enough to carry out this complex piece of music. But if you listen to their recent stuff, you'll disagree.
President Bush was asked to comment on the situation, but unfortunately he was playing with his Tinker Toys and Playdo in the Oval Office (a.k.a The Iraq War Hidey Hole) and therefore could not be reached for an interview.
This whole affair comes a whopping thirty years after The 1812 Overture was performed illegally in London's Piccadilly Circus area, where residents are still feeling the effects of flat tube notes and grossly misplaced trumpet solos.