UnNews:Pupils not allowed to breathe
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Pupils not allowed to breathe
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, January 17, 2017, 09:23:UTC)(
20 October 2006
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Attleboro, Massoftwoshits (AP) - A school in Attleboro has banned the consumption of oxygen during school hours. The Willett Elementary School has banned breathing after a parent complained that air pollutants triggered her child's asthma attack. Children will be required to stop breathing from 9 am until they are back in the custody of their parents. Breathing has also been banned on school buses. PTO President Laurie Brasil cites safety as the reason for the ban on oxygen consumption "There are a lot of harmful chemicals in the air and I don't want my kid to have an asthma attack or develop lung cancer 90 years down the road because of some toxin in the air". The principal, Seymour Skinner, had a different take on the situation, "Personally, I don't give a rat's ass what the children do, I hate the fuckers anyways but some of the parents might sue so we have to do something to cover our asses". Some parents permit their children to breathe at home and are upset that there children are being forced to hold their breath. Both Brasil and Skinner are considering allowing the parents to sign waivers, permitting their children to breathe but until then, all children will be forced to hold their breath. Any child who does breathe will have their breath held for them by means of a plastic bag placed over their head. Asked if the school board are worried that the lack of oxygen may harm children, Brasil replied "That is a risk we are willing to take". The ban took effect today.