|This article is part of UnNews||Where man always bites dog|
6 July 2009
NODNOL, Danlgne – The British Intelligence service MI6, today, was forced to face up to the public and admit that it had interfered with birds. But these weren’t the good kind of birds to interfere with, I’m not talking about birds in the sense of attractive women you may meet in a bar, the ones who would never talk to you, incidentally. I’m talking about the Puffins, funny little feathered freaks with beaks that look like novelty sex toys, and it turns out that MI6 has been spying on them.
The Puffins were being investigated as a potential investigatory lead in an ongoing investigation, investigating possible causes of Global Warming. It was reasoned that as Puffins lived out at sea, and that a lot of Global Warming was happening at sea, the Puffins might know something, or even be involved in it. “Scientific tests have shown that if a large group of say 38,002 Puffins were to all land on an iceberg at the same time, the combined heat from them would be enough to melt it. This was mind-boggling to us at the time; we felt it was our duty to investigate this further,” stated MI6 agent Francis Doppelganger to our hidden microphone. As such, a whole department of MI6 was dedicated to investigating Puffin migratory patterns, monitoring satellite heat sensors over the Arctic and interviewing penguins.
These methods of surveillance are legal, however it was what the team did next that contravened several wildlife imperatives and part six of the Cub Scout’s code. In an effort to improve the results of their blatantly rubbish investigation, they started implanting Puffins with GPS microchips, cameras and sound bugs. “We needed to be able to see exactly where they were going, and our thermal imaging MacGuffins just weren’t good enough, so we lo-jacked the feathery bastards,” Doppelganger explained to our camouflaged reporter, “What we would do is stage a Puffin mugging, whereby we would beat up the Puffin until unconscious, take his wallet and then while unconscious implant the chip in his beak.”
And so what did their results reveal? Are Puffins responsible for the impending doom of mankind? While we were shouting at Jeremy Clarkson was it actually the Puffins responsible and not the Jaguars? Surprisingly, no. Puffins actually have nothing to do with Global Warming. At all. Ever. Doppelganger describes the monitoring process while we listen from behind a potted plant: “We’d sit their for hours looking at our computer screens, watching these GPS dots going round and round the viewer. Sometimes they stop for a few minutes and we’d switch to the cameras to see if they were on an iceberg, but they were just eating or sleeping. The rest of the time we’d listen to recorded conversation between Puffins. Hours and hours and hours of them, do you have any idea how boring that is?” So was this 18 month venture completely useless? Not according to Doppelganger: “I learned that Puffins eat sand-eels, did you know that?”
And that would have been that, just another violation of human and animal rights that we would pretend not to see. But all that changed when head of MI6, Eimer Tool, accidentally posted a video of his Puffin squad at work on his Facebook page. Along with names and addresses of the Puffins they were monitoring. And the email addresses of every staff member at MI6. And a picture of himself in an amusing swimsuit. Once this information was available, many British people sniggered and were outraged.
One MP said: “This is an outrage; Puffins are the backbone of Britain.” One PM said: “This is an outrage; Puffins are the backbone of Britain, and a vital part of the economy.” One MC said: “Man, vose blue swimmin’ shorts weren’t doin’ ‘im no favours a’ all. An’ ‘at stuff ‘bout the birds is rubbish too, innit?” As such there has been a public scandal, yadda, yadda, yadda, everyone has had nice go at each other, people at dinner parties everywhere have something else to complain about, and then everyone went back to their normal everyday lives as if nothing had happened.
Or did they..? Francis Doppelganger believes that the Puffins are enraged by this violation of their rights and are plotting a British coup. “We think they’re docile little, fish eating birds, but we’re so wrong. They’re violent and evil. I know they were responsible for Global Warming! I just couldn’t prove it! The quacking was some kind of code! Three short quacks, two long quacks, five short quacks and another long one… it’s a code I tell you! Quick, hand me my tin foil hat, they can read my thoughts…”
When we went for an interview with Puffin Leader Karinski Melkov, we were given this response to Doppelganger’s allegations: “Yes, ve are avare that the British secret service vos spying on us. Ve bear no grudge. (For those of you not in the know, all Puffins speak in Russian accents) I think that Doppelganger is mistaken.” We attempted to push the issue further and were met with hostility. As Karinski’s bodyguard rhythmically beat my head against the wall, he told me “Listen you insignificant little man, I vill brook no more ov these tiresome questionings. Ve are not planning a coup and if you publish that ve are ve vill make sure you never publish anything ever again. Clear?”
I was then thrown out of his secret headquarters on my well toned arse, surprised at the strength of Puffin bodyguards. I stumbled back to the UnNews office and typed up this article.
I would like to conclude with my firm belief that there is no Puffin coup being planned, it was just a vicious rumour perpetrated by the now mysteriously, and violently, deceased Francis Doppelganger.
Sceptics remain Sceptical.
- Severin Carrell "Hi-tech puffins to monitor decline in seabird populations". The Guardian, July 1, 2009
- Sam Jones and Richard Norton-Taylor "'Congrats to Uncle C' – how his wife's Facebook page exposed new MI6 head". The Guardian, July 5, 2009