3 April 2009
"You should think yourselves lucky," said one MP. "Do you know there's actually a provision in the Parliament Act of 1732 whereby an MP can, on St Piglet's day in a leap year, require members of the local peasantry to present themselves in the town square, that they might perform fellatio on him or his nominated representative? Whereas all we're asking now is that you pick up the tab for the occasional bit of trumpet-polishing. Look, sometimes - just sometimes - the poor chap likes to forget that he's married to the Home Secretary, and watch people putting things up each others bottoms for a while. And from the waist down he's basically a goat. Can't you cut him some slack?"
Labour party sources insist that, rather than focussing on a single, isolated incident, the press should celebrate the tremendous positive contribution made to society by our elected officials. In between furtive bouts of onanism, many MPs find time to run protection rackets, host relationship counselling workshops for trans-species couples, and even attend debates and talk to the occasional constituent so long as he's been carefully cleaned first.
Under Commons rules, MPs are allowed to claim "up to £10,000 a year for dabbling in the occult, on condition that any eldritch beings they manage to invoke are made available as and when required, to help reanimate Peter Mandelson." However, MPs are expressly not permitted to bring back any "half-human hybrids from other worlds" or "foul demons of the pit", without first placing them in quarantine and issuing them with ID cards.
But even as Smith prepares to have her husband severely punished by scantily clad young ladies at the taxpayers' expense, rumours abound that he may have been made a scapegoat, and that the true beneficiary of the parliamentary porn allowance may have been none other than Smith herself.
"Look, if you take the top half of a human, right, and the back legs of a goat, well... there's something missing," said Goat-Human relationship counsellor and jobbing public servant Ed Balls. "If you think about it. An essential piece, you might say, of the puzzle. I'm not saying it was her, I just think this needs to be thought about in more detail. That's all I'm saying."