UnNews:Psychologist: Moses had Alzheimer's
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Psychologist: Moses had Alzheimer's
Straight talk, from straight faces
Monday, November 30, 2015, 18:01:UTC)(
28 January 2007
NEW YORK, New York - Dr. Malcolm Abrams, a psychologist at City University of New York (CUNY) who specializes in diagnosing the mental disorders of the dead, believes that the Biblical patriarch Moses may have suffered from Alzheimer’s.
One of the early symptoms of the disease is minor memory loss and mood swings, the psychologist said. During this phase of the disease, its victims tend to prefer the familiar and to avoid anything new. The patient is easily confused and exercises poor judgment. “We know, from the Biblical story of the exodus, that Moses resisted his people’s worship of the golden calf. He preferred the familiarity of his own people’s faith and religious traditions, and his mood went from stern but rational to one of violent rage upon the discovery that his people had set up a golden calf to worship in place of Jehovah or Yahweh.”
Alzheimer’s patients also experience increasing memory loss, which, Dr. Abrams contends, “explains why Moses wandered in the wilderness for forty years when the Israelites’ journey from Egypt to Canaan, even by foot, should have taken no more than a few months.”
During the second stage of the illness, Alzheimer’s victims require assistance in the performance of anything more than the simplest tasks. Their speech is affected, and they often forget what they were saying, even in the middle of a sentence. They tend to get lost while traveling, and they become irritable and restless. They have trouble understanding where they are, and the days and the nights tend to become one, long, continuous time period, as if they are living in eternity. “As we know from the study of Exodus,” Dr. Abrams clarified, “Moses required the assistance of his brother Aaron, who, although Aaron claimed to be a poor speaker, could obviously communicate better than his ailing brother. Moses was irritable: he threw down the tablets of stone on which, he claimed, God had written the Ten Commandments, in a pique of anger resulting from his inability to assimilate the new religion of his people, whom, in his amnesiac state, he’d deserted in the wilderness, climbing Mt. Sinai. He’d forgotten where he was, and returned to camp with the wild story of having seen God face to face, as it were.”
In the final stage, the person can no longer chew and swallow, loses control of his or her bowels and bladder, can no longer recognize loved ones, and needs constant care. The final stage leads to the patient’s death. “After wandering in the wilderness for forty years,” Dr. Abrams said, “Moses died, on the brink of entering what he’d come to call the Promised Land. His statements at this time were little more than babblings. He became so confused that someone else, presumably Aaron, had to write the conclusion of Moses’ book, Exodus.”
Dr. Abrams’ conclusions, which were published recently in the Journal of Abnormal Psychology and the even more prestigious Psychology Today magazine, available alongside the National Enquirer on newsstands everywhere, are controversial and, according to some, anti-Semitic.
“For my next project,” the psychologist announced, “I’m going to study the life of Jesus of Nazareth, who, it seems to me, is likely to have had a messiah’s complex.”
- Lotta Lies "Moses: a victim of Alzheimer’s or of psychological anti-Semitism?". Instant News, 18 seconds ago