UnNews:Psychic "interviews" dead celebrities
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Where man always bites dog|
12 August 2012
NEW YORK, NY, USA -- Madame Zita is an old friend. She lives in New York with her nine cats and a dog called Spirit. Whenever I'm in New York I always drop by for tea and a biscuit to catch up on events in her life. I never go there for readings as Zita has simply become an unusual friend.
At 87 years of age, she is still very nimble. Her condo has a stair lift which she still refuses to make use of. Zita is like a friendly grannie - just one that can talk to dead people.
It was quite a surprise for me then, last Saturday, when Zita suddenly wanted to off-load the thoughts that have been weighing her down. She told me that celebrity spirits often come to her and argue with each other. For example, Errol Flynn insists on swinging from a rope whenever he enters her mind. "Hello old girl", he will say, in his distinctive voice. Zita says she hasn't got the desire anymore - even though it is Errol Flynn. She says that him coming - in like Flynn - isn't a problem, as he's so polite. It's some of the other celebrities which cause her a headache. Liz Taylor is furious that the new biopic Liz and Dick has an actor - "who isn't anything like my husband! My husband never won an Oscar! They get that ugly man to play my Richard!"
Zita says that Elizabeth comes to say this day-in-day-out.
I ask Zita who else? She says that Laurel and Hardy just come to her to argue. Hardy is back to his usual weight and often sits on Stan if he doesn't agree. The argument they are having (apparently) is whether they should have lived longer to do real color movies. Stan says they shouldn't have bothered to live longer and Hardy insists it's Stan's fault for allowing him to lose weight. Zita says this routine was funny to begin with but she's seen them argue now over 20 times. She can't shut it off.
Greta Garbo, ironically, comes through daily to say, "I vant to be alone". Freddie Mercury tries to get Zita to sing with him, "DAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY-DO". She likes his voice but not at a thousand decibels in her ear. All of the dead Presidents have held meetings in her head - it has ended up in gunfire on many occasions. Zita is tired and wants to end her career to live her old-timer years with Spirit and the cats. She asks my advice. Here is the advice I give her:
We adjourn to her reading room and she "telephones" upstairs. I ask her to get John Lennon, Sid Vicious and Chairman Mao on the spiritual line. Through Madame Zita, I ask my questions.
I ask John Lennon to do me a favor. He and I have always been close - as I do his voice when not a journalist. The favor is to threaten all the others up there with endless playings of Yoko Ono's Greatest Hits, sung by Chairman Mao and Sid Vicious, if they won't leave Zita alone. He agrees. I ask Chairman Mao to do me a favor. He and I have always been close - I love doing silly Chinese noises when not a journalist. The favor is to threaten everyone up there with his leadership unless they leave poor Zita alone. He aglees. Finally, I ask Sid a favor. Sid and I have always been close - I love screwing my face up and threatening royals when not a journalist. I ask Sid to tell the spirit world that he will record John Lennon's Greatest hits in the style of swing, unless they go away for good from Zita. He fuckin' agrees.
I almost want to hear that album just for fun. All I care about is my old friend Zita. I am glad to have helped her - I get up to leave. Before I get out of the door, Zita hands me an old record. It is a Yoko Ono record - signed by John Lennon, Chairman Mao and Sid Vicious. I ask how she got this?! I was stunned. She said, "Each psychic passes on the gift to another. The lady who gave me my gift, told me one day a young news reporter will inherit the gift. She told me to get this album signed by all three to be free from the gift. It is now yours." Oh man! I'm psychic now! Don't care, I have the rarest signed album in the whole universe. Any eBay bidders?
This is a very all seeing reporter for UnNews.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|