UnNews:Proved: Japanese people "weird"
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|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
20 March 2009
LONDON, England -- Top British university, the School of Oriental and African Studies (SOAS) in London, is about to publish a report based on new findings proving what many of us have suspected for years - Japanese people are weird. The report was inspired by the latest craze to hit the peculiar nation - the same country that brought the world karaoke, hentai and schoolgirl's-underwear vending machines - Electronic Face Dancing, which may just be their strangest invention yet, including the Hello Kitty assault rifle and the square watermelon.
Professor U.N. Donne, head of Japanese Studies at the university, spoke to UnNews last night. "Konichiwa! My students and I spend a great deal of time monitoring the Japanese press," he told us. "So, during our studies, we see a lot of adverts for all manner of totally bizarre shit you can buy over there. There's everything from the famous Hello Kitty vibrator to the penis ice cream, not forgetting beauty products like the nose stretcher and other oddities such as the breast grabber amusement arcade prize game. Many of my students have asked why it is that their country has such an appetite for such bizarre things - I really had no idea. We started out by scanning their newspapers for any story that might enlighten us and found several unusual stories, such as one about a recent petition - signed by a thousand people - demanding that the government legalise marriage to cartoon characters. Then we began to look at a number of peculiar inventions and various odd stuff that can be bought in Japanese shops, where we found things like eyelash wigs, sausage tool kits, Pritt-Stick butter and, well, a whole load of stuff where we hadn't the faintest what the fuck was going on to be honest."
The professor and his team looked at a wide range of foods, including ice-cream noodles along with some sort of unpleasant-looking pink stuff in a pot and cakes shaped like breasts but to no avail - try as they might, they just could not explain the Japanese desire for such strange stuff.
"We were experimenting with cat-warmers in the laboratory one afternoon when I received an e-mail about the new face dancing craze," he continues, "I showed them the video and one exclaimed, "Well, if there's one thing I'm sure of it's that the Japanese are weird." Suddenly, it hit me - a real eureka moment, as I realised he was quite right - that is exactly why they're into all this stuff: they're weird!"
It is hoped that the findings will usher in a new period of understanding and co-operation between Japan and the West when they're published next week (Title: The Japanese Are Weird, author: Prof. U.N. Donne, not available at any bookshops anywhere near you). Meanwhile, our fashion correspondent Gok Wan Ker says the new craze for electronic face dancing is sure to be massive on the European club scene this summer; so get yourself some electrodes, a 12 volt car battery and remember you heard about it here on UnNews first!