UnNews:Protests over election results in Hades
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Protests over election results in Hades
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, July 31, 2016, 01:42:UTC)(
8 December 2010
PORT-AU-PRINCE, Hades -- Protests erupted around Port-au-Prince, the capital of Hades, Tuesday night after an election council announced a runoff between a popular demon and a candidate allied with an increasingly unpopular devil’s government.
Mirlande, a Hell’s Angel, won the presidential election held over a week ago with 31.37 of the vote, the Purgatory Electoral Council (PEC) announced late Tuesday. But he was disqualified for ethics violations.
Celestin, the candidate backed by Satan, came in second with 22.48 percent while popular demon Martelly was just behind Celestin with 21.84 percent. But the vote was fraught with allegations of fraud, with many believing that Satan would go to any lengths to ensure a win for his protégé, Celestin.
Fires erupted throughout the city late into the night, and protesters promised more violence. "We don't need Celestin. We need Martelly," people chanted in the streets early Wednesday morning. "Tomorrow we will set fire to Hades!"
The Vatican Embassy in Hades issued a statement Tuesday saying that the Pontiff stands ready to support efforts to review irregularities in the vote so that results are "consistent with the will of Hades’ people expressed in their votes."
Celestin's entry into the runoff prompted violent demonstrations throughout Port-au-Prince. Gunfire rang out on the streets, and the smell of fires and burning oil filled the air. Belligerent demons ran out on the streets denouncing Celestin. Residents of a burnt area that covers the entire city beat on the rows of portable toilets, knocking them down.
It had been feared that a win or runoff spot for Celestin would trigger more unrest in Hades’s capital. Satan's government has become increasingly unpopular with demons that see a lack of progress in their redemption.
Satan was barred by the constitution from seeking another term. Celestin headed the state-run transportation company that gained notoriety as its trucks normally picked up the condemned souls of the dead.
The next president of Hades will inherit the daunting task of leading this subterranean nation in its struggle to recover from years of dictatorship and poverty compounded earlier this year by the undersea drilling accident in the Gulf of Mexico which breached the roof of Hades allowing sea water to spill in which caused a cloud of toxic steam that sickened almost 100 googol demons.
It took eight days to announce the final results of the November 28 election. Since then, riots have erupted in the capital of Port-au-Prince, some violent enough for Satan’s police to employ fire extinguishers
When asked about the deteriorating situation in Hades God was said to have laughed out loud, although there were no reliable witnesses to confirm it.
- Staff "Protest of Haiti election results: 'We will set the country on fire'". CNN, December 8, 2010