UnNews:Prophet strikes, Heaven grinds to halt
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Prophet strikes, Heaven grinds to halt
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, April 28, 2017, 02:00:UTC)(
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JEWISH QUARTER, Heaven -- Life in the afterlife stalled today as the LORD's only Son started a wildcat strike. Since He rose in the East this eternal morning, the LORD's prophet has been marching back and forth in front of His Father's throne, brandishing a 'Make Peace, Not Work' sign and chanting "Hey hey, ho ho! Being helpful in the afterlife has got to go!", while handing out pamphlets to passersby.
Mr. Christ spent his mortal life on Earth spreading the Good News to all members of mankind that happened to live within one hundred miles of where He was born. Jesus was put to death by annoyed civil authorities after His monotheism proved to be incompatible with the pantheon of the Romans, and mostly so with its predecessor, Judaism.
"Things have got to change." He continued, "What we need around here are more people raised bodily up into Heaven. I'm tired of doing all the work around here. Pop is no help at all."
Shortly after His adult Son moved back in with Him, our LORD converted to Deism, and thereafter steadfastly and consistently refused to assist anyone in any way, instead replying to requests for help with the stony silence of an effectively godless universe. Since the majority of the population of Heaven lack physical bodies and God keeps to Himself, basic tasks in Heaven all fall to the few humans who, after completing their tour of duty on Earth, came to Heaven, body and soul.
"It's just J.C. and maybe an Old Testament luminary or two. No, I don't know their names. Enoch? Elijah, maybe? We've never met, actually. Most of the guys from the Tanakh pretty much stay away from Gentiles. Hey, it's not just on Earth that people don't get along..." said Mohammed, "What, you're surprised that I'm here? Jesus Christ!...no, not you, Jesus...If Joseph Smith's soul can get in here mine sure as Hell qualifies."
"Working myself to the bone wouldn't be so bad if I could heal myself. Sure, back in the day I could cure leprosy or blindess with a touch but I never could do anything for my own maladies. Oy, I've got such a crick in my kark!" kvetched Jesus, rubbing His neck.
Mr. Christ plans to continue to strike until someone figures out how to move furniture around Heaven without His bodily assistance.
- Salvatore Squat-Thrust Havens "Wildcat strike nothing less than miracle". Vatican Schemes Weekly, June 25, 2007
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|