UnNews:Proof of past life on Mars stumbles upon UnNews
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Proof of past life on Mars stumbles upon UnNews
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, August 25, 2016, 18:42:UTC)(
23 January 2014
HELIUM CITY, Mars - Dejah Thoris, Princess of Mars, announced at a press conference this morning that proof of past life on Mars has been found by Above Top Secret user BuzzDengue, and she is really angry about it.
"We tried to pick everything up and hide all the fossils and alien debris and whatnot that lay in the path of the earth rover Curiosity," said Thoris, "but we missed a few. This shell and inner-structure of a Grand Glaupisous should have been spotted and covered with sand, but nooooo, one of our guys was watching a meteorite flash and bounced right by it. Then Curiosity photographed it on January 19, and that meddler BuzzDengue pointed it out but thought it was some kind of mechanical object, and then, curse our red-planet luck, that joker funbox just had to prepare zoomed-in photographs of it. These earthlings really get my goat."
The fossil, which can clearly be seen to be an undulating shell-like rim with an inner attached spoke skeleton and central-body structure, lay in Gale Crater, an ancient lakebed.
"Ms. Thoris," asked CNN's Mars Correspondent Anderson Cooper, the only reporter brave enough to be in the room, "Has anyone yet notified NASA of this find?"
The Princess of Mars stood up and looked down her nose at the white-haired reporter, "No, and you better not do it either buster. Earth must never know that past life existed on Mars, and so far NASA has been very cooperative."
The Princess explained that Grand Glaupisous' are kept as pets and musical instruments in the lush caverns where Martians live, and that this fossil of one of their esteemed ancestors will be given a proper burial once earth rover Curiosity isn't looking.
"Humans are so gullible, and they will soon forget that they've even seen this thing," Thoris explained as she devoured crigilly worms and bunny photosom, the traditional evening meal of royal Martians. "And I swear by Arken's Spine that no other news organization will ever discuss this again."