UnNews:Prominent Homosexual 188.8.131.52 Reveals: Tompkins Is A Fag
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Prominent Homosexual 184.108.40.206 Reveals: Tompkins Is A Fag
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, August 31, 2015, 12:49:UTC)(
25 June 2006
According to the intergalatic book of homosexuality, as spearheaded by an extra-terrestrial known only as 220.127.116.11, Tompkins is what is known as a Class 5 space Fag or "Galactic Queer". This is allegedly the most severe level of homosexuality in the universe, and of course, matched only by that of 18.104.22.168. His residence in Canada is believed to have contributed highly to his fairy like symptoms. Although very little is known about him (or "Her" as (s)he is known on Sundays), it is common knowledge that he enjoys listening to Chicago and playing Raquet Ball. It is also rumoured by a number of prominent officials that on rare Friday nights, people have been able to catch him behind his local Gas Station selling 15 minutes of passion with his armoured trouser warrior.
“What I wouldn't do for 15 minutes of mansecks with him...”
When contacted for comment, Tompkins was aghast, horrified, taken aback, stunned, disgusted, and mollified.
“I liked him, a lot, but I knew that we just couldn't see each other anymore, it just wasn't safe.”
In response to these shocking allegations, The citizens of Planet Earth drove 22.214.171.124 out, and vowed that he could not return for at least 15 years, although whether he will return after this time is under intense debate, however, it has been claimed that 126.96.36.199 has in fact now begun offering oral pleasure to weary travellers along the route of Alpha Centauri, and other have opposingly claimed that he has been offering a similar thing in Frankfurt, Germany, although this would of course constitute breach of his ban, and would thus result in the initiation of a process for sterner sentencing from the U.N.