UnNews:Profiles in Courage: Japanese pornography animators

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13 November 2010

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Another Oscar Contender

TOKYO, Japan -- Have you ever watched a catgirl perform fellatio on Cthulhu, and asked yourself who brought you this masterpiece of animation? This week's Profile In Courage centers on Kim Duk Cho, professional pornographic cartoon artist.

Few people realize that the average piece of animation includes 24 painstakingly hand-drawn frames per second. For Kim, and hundreds of hard working Korean art slaves like him, this means endless hours toiling for his chicken-choking Japanese overlords. It takes Kim a full two days, morning to night, to render just one second of fatal lesbian tentacle rape. The schedule is grueling, but the satisfaction of a job well done is enough for Kim.

"Please get me out of here," Kim cheerfully begged our reporter. "Nobody knows where I am."

Other proud workers shared Kim's cheerful attitude.

Take typical cartoon rape artist Cho Min Su. Her withered, arthritic fingers were decorated by manacles shackling her to the easel. "Sometimes I need a model for my art," she explained. "I ask the masters to pose for me. I get them to do fucked up stuff. Like Abu Ghraib on ecstacy kind of stuff. It keeps me sane. Mostly."

We were also privileged to meet senior animator Moon Ko Sun. We asked for a sneak peek of his latest masterpiece, but he stabbed himself in the eyes with his pens. "I can still see it!" he screamed as we sipped herbal tea, "I can still see it!"

Following our tour of the work floor, the President of the multinational conglomerate, BukkakeTokyopopNamcoToyota Limited, sat down with us to discuss the importance of cartoon porn in the modern global economy.

"You see," Mr. Nakawara began, "Since Japan failed to secure industrial resources during the Great Imperial Land Grab War, our primary export has been Bullshit. Japan currently monopolizes 94.3% of the world Bullshit market. That, and tiny cars with no brakes. They're big sellers. Unfortunately, Japan is nearing its Bullshit saturation point, and we've had to import Korean 'helpers' to churn out some BatShit. In the future we will have to come up with some HotShit or we may soon have NoShit. When it all runs out, Japan won't be able to export, or GiveAShit, as we say. When that happens, we'll all be in DeepShit."

The meeting concluded, our intrepid reporter stopped pretending to listen and returned to the lower levels of the animation wonderland.

Our last interview was with a North Korean defector and professional Bullshit artist who identified himself only as "Kun."

"I think it's important for the spank monkeys of the world to ask themselves where their porn is coming from. Who comes up with it? Why do they do it? What drives a person to participate? These are the questions people need to ask and this is the message I hope you take back to America."

Kun quickly drew us a picture of an anime sodomy carnival.

"Also, that's for you. Hang it on your fridge."

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