UnNews:Procrastinators Unite Today; Shirt Enthusiasts Enraged
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Procrastinators Unite Today; Shirt Enthusiasts Enraged
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, May 22, 2015, 20:20 (UTC)
19 June 2007
Miami, FL At the annual "Improbable Conventions Convention" in southwest Florida, an event was held that rendered even the convention's founder speechless. " ," he said. This incredulous reaction was indicative of the world's response to the first annual meeting of the "Procrastinator Coalition for." This group of procrastinators met on Tuesday, June 26. The meeting, consisting solely of the Primary Orders of Business, lasted just under ten hours. "We made great progress," the organizer said. "We took attendance for the whole coalition!" The Procrastinator Coalition for (insiders say the name will be completed at a later date) was formed by non-procrastinator and convention organizer Robert Brint. "My brother is a procrastinator," he said, "I just wanted to find him some friends." When asked what his brother thought of the gesture, he responded "I didn't see him. I wonder why he didn't come..."
This development has novelty shirt manufacturers up in arms. "Obviously we can't continue selling these shirts," one mousy accountant complained. The shirt he refers to is the famously witty one that says "Procrastinators Unite Tomorrow." It had been fairly popular among teenage boys and twenty-somethings with an intense need to grow up. Procrastinators have long expressed distaste for this shirt. John Smith, identity thief and CEO of Lotsa Laffs Shirts, said, "I've received multiple letters regarding this model. The complaints are largely baseless and it is often impossible even to figure out what they are." As an example, he showed us one such letter, which read
To Whom It May Concern, My name is [name withheld], and I am writing to com
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|
He says that nothing of this sort could convince them to pull this, their most lucrative product, off of shelves. In fact, only an event as cataclysmic as this could cause them to consider it. In their press release, Lotsa Laffs Shirts stated:
|Nothing concrete has been determined in the matter of discontinuation of the Procrastinator Unite Tomorrow shirt. Preliminarily speaking, it doesn't seem as though... the rest of this speech was written. That is all.|
When the Procrastinator Coalition for was reached for comment, they promised to call back "Later."