UnNews:Problematic 6000 Released
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Problematic 6000 Released
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, August 31, 2015, 14:05:UTC)(
21 September 2006
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UnNews Spork - The Problematic 6000 is especially designed with innovation in mind. This device was created to help a person create problems, rather than solve them. Is there someone in your life who has betrayed you, or wronged you in any way imaginable? Once you turn this device on, it automatically reads your mind using advanced telepathic bio-circuitry, and immediately searches your conscious, unconscious, and subconscious mind for the person who most deserves to incur your wrath. It uses a patented algorithm to sort by priority, and completely ignores your morals and rational judgement.
The Problematic 6000 was invented by Joel Edistein, who had versatility and ease of use in mind when he developed the very first schematic. It has three settings: mild, moderate, and severe. You can set them manually, or allow the Problematic 6000 to select the appropriate intensity based on the calculations made by an external computer chip (sold separately, batteries not included).
A lightweight and extremely portable device, the Problematic 6000 also has a delay setting. This may seem like a trivial feature, but its usefulness will soon become apparent when you see your friend who owns a Problematic 5900 being escorted away in handcuffs by the police because his ex-wife was found naked in an alley, covered in grape jelly and spaghetti sauce. The problem for your friend (we'll call him Ralph), is that Ralph was just seen talking with his ex-wife an hour before the authorities found her. If Ralph had a Problematic 6000, he could have set the delay factor so her "problem" would have occurred in the span of one hour to ten years. Ralph could have used some of that time to plan an alibi, or move to a different continent, or even die from an accident. That's one of the best features of the Problematic 6000: if you utilize the delay setting, it will still create a problem for a person if you are dead or otherwise incapacitated, and at the exact time you specified.
You can also use the Problematic 6000 for yourself. If you need a day off of work, you can give yourself the flu, and get a doctors note. Just be sure that you've manually set your Problematic 6000 to mild, otherwise you could develop a deadly strain of influenza. Also, if you're feeling sorry for yourself because you have problems, you can create more problems to give you an excuse to really feel sorry for yourself. Lastly, if you feel guilty because you have it too good, and there's too much suffering in the world, you can create severe problems in your life to ease your guilt, and to help take your mind off the problems in other countries and around the corner in your own neighborhood.